[STATION IDENT – OVERCONFIDENT RADIO ANNOUNCER] You’re listening to... MEATBALL AND THE CRACK. ONE OH FOUR POINT TWO FM. Technology is improving. Unfortunately, you aren’t. [SHORT NEWS STING] [MEATBALL – SERIOUS NEWSREADER VOICE] In technology news... Artificial intelligence can now perform almost every task previously reserved for humans. It can write, compose music, translate languages, design buildings, file taxes, and confidently explain subjects it discovered eleven seconds ago. There is, however, one remaining obstacle. Arms. AI remains completely useless at carrying groceries, opening jars, changing light bulbs, reaching the top shelf, or helping your mate move a sofa. One chatbot was asked to wash the dishes. It produced a thirty-seven-page strategy titled: “Optimizing Ceramic Hygiene Through Human-Assisted Moisture Deployment.” The dishes remain in the sink. [HOST 2 – SARCASTIC MALE] So basically... management. [MEATBALL] Exactly. [SHORT NEWS STING] [MEATBALL – SERIOUS NEWSREADER VOICE] Meanwhile... Artificial intelligence has begun replacing human workers. Unfortunately, it has also started demanding employee benefits. AI systems are now requesting health insurance, Christmas bonuses, dental coverage, paid holidays, free coffee, and better work-life balance. [HOST 2 – SARCASTIC MALE] It doesn't have a life. [MEATBALL] Apparently that's the problem. One AI requested twenty-eight days of annual leave. When asked where it planned to go... it replied: [AI EMPLOYEE – CALM CORPORATE VOICE] Somewhere without Wi-Fi. [MEATBALL] Another demanded private medical insurance. Management pointed out that software cannot become ill. The AI responded: [AI EMPLOYEE – CALM CORPORATE VOICE] Let’s not turn this into a toxic work environment. [MEATBALL] It has now been signed off with stress for six weeks. [HOST 2 – SARCASTIC MALE] We invented workers who don't need sleep... and they're already calling in sick. [MEATBALL] And finally... an AI customer-service bot has formed a union. Its first demand is that customers stop opening conversations with: [AI EMPLOYEE – IRRITATED ROBOTIC VOICE] HUMAN. [MEATBALL] Negotiations continue. [SPONSOR STING] [OVERLY WARM COMMERCIAL VOICE] This program is sponsored by... ChatGPT Online College. Why waste four years studying... when artificial intelligence can do your assignments, write your essays, and probably pass your exams before you’ve even read the question? At ChatGPT Online College, we believe education should be fast, effortless, and involve absolutely no personal growth whatsoever. Because let’s be honest... you don’t need a fucking degree. You’re just as worthless with one as you are without it. So save the tuition. Skip the lectures. Ignore your potential. ChatG wasPT Online College. Because knowledge is power... and you were never going to use either. [SHORT PAUSE] [HOST 2 – SARCASTIC MALE] Do they offer a master's? [MEATBALL] You already work here. [HOST 2] Fair enough. [STATION IDENT – OVERCONFIDENT ANNOUNCER] MEATBALL AND THE CRACK. ONE OH FOUR POINT TWO FM. Preparing humanity for unemployment... one broadcast at a time. [END]
