[Busy Eye Casualty waiting room, morning] [Receptionist – dry, brisk] Good morning. Take a number. Take a seat. Please don't ask me when. [Patient 1 – irritated male] I've been sitting here since nine! [Receptionist] You'll be seen. [Patient 1] But when? [Receptionist] That's a much more difficult question. [Company] You'll be seen in due course! You'll be seen in due course! The phrase that keeps the NHS From having to give a time, of course! [Patient 2 – female] My appointment— [Receptionist] There are no appointments. [Patient 2] Then why did they say come at ten? [Receptionist] Optimism. [Company] One hour! Two hours! Three hours! Four! Someone's just come through The emergency door! [Patient 1] But I was here first! [Nurse – female, authoritative] And he's lost his sight. [Patient 1] Ah. [Nurse] Treearge. [Company] TREEARGE! Red eye! Black eye! Something in the eye! Flashes! Floaters! "I don't quite know why!" Chemical splash! Sudden loss! Curtain coming down! [Nurse] That one's coming straight through. [Patient 1] I've driven in from town! [Receptionist] Congratulations. [Music accelerates] [Patient 3 – elderly male] I've brought a sandwich. [Patient 2] I've finished mine. [Patient 3] I've brought another. [Patient 2] Marry me. [Company] You'll be seen in due course! Perhaps before tea! The clock upon the waiting-room wall Has lost the will to be! At Birmingham and Midland Eye Centre We wait with stoic grace— [Patient 1] I've read three ancient magazines And memorised this place! [Junior Doctor – breathless male] Who's got the notes for Mr Brown? [Receptionist] Which Mr Brown? [Junior Doctor] The one with the painful eye. [Receptionist] You'll have to narrow it down. [Company] OCT! Pressure check! Visual acuity! Drops in! Drops out! Administrative ingenuity! [Nurse] Next patient! [Everyone] ME! [Nurse] No. [Company] You'll be seen in due course! It's not a simple queue! The person who arrived just now May still go in before you! Because eyes don't read the ticket, And retinas won't wait, So if your problem isn't urgent— [Receptionist] Congratulations. That's great. [Music briefly softens] [Patient 1] So four hours means I'm probably all right? [Nurse] That's one way of looking at it. [Patient 1] Fair enough. [Final build] [Company] One hour! Two hours! Three hours! Four! Still we're watching That consulting-room door! Five hours? [Receptionist] Let's not get ambitious. [Company] You'll be seen in due course! Eventually! At Birmingham and Midland Eye Centre— [Nurse] NEXT! [Everyone] THAT'S ME! [Blackout]
