[Intro: spoken, glass clinking, mic feedback, soft piano] Hi. Is this on? Okay. Most of you don't know me. Actually, none of you know me. [Verse 1: storytelling, conversational sixteenths, bouncy] Tasha from accounting said come with, it's an open bar Two hours down the highway to a barn behind a car lot Wore the blue suit with the pants I had to safety pin She saw her ex by the punch bowl and she vanished in the wind Now I'm parked at table nine with somebody's Uncle Ray He's been talking about his gutters since the salad hit the plate Lady on my left keeps asking am I bride or groom I said I'm here for the chicken and she moved across the room [Hook: melodic sing-along, horns, crowd clinking glasses] Raise your glass to the wrong table I don't know your name but I'm able Napkin says K and D, that's my cue Here's to the bride and here's to, uh, you Raise it high, let it fly I don't know these people but I'm finna cry [Verse 2: story picks up, flow tightens, horn stabs] Then the best man stood up, raised his glass, said friends, and dropped Face first in the fondant, the whole top tier went plop Deejay scanning for a backup like the quarterback is hurt Every finger in the building pointing at my safety pin shirt Mic in my hand and I don't know a single name Napkins say K and D in gold, so now it's a guessing game Kevin, Kayla, Derek, Dana, damn, I picked you two Took a sip of someone's wine and said here's what I know is true [Hook: melodic sing-along, horns, crowd clinking glasses] Raise your glass to the wrong table I don't know your name but I'm able Napkin says K and D, that's my cue Here's to the bride and here's to, uh, you Raise it high, let it fly I don't know these people but I'm finna cry [The Toast - double time: sixteenth-note triplets, crisp, building] To the couple in the middle of the barn that I just met I wanna say I never saw a love like this in all my two hours here You're the cheese up on the macaroni you're the extra napkin when the barbecue is dripping and the sauce is running down to my ear K I see the way you look at D and D I see the way you looked at K when you were fishing out the best man from the cake That's devotion that's emotion that's a promise in a puddle of vanilla and the paramedic said he'll be awake [Chopper Burst: thirty-second notes, fastest part, crisp consonants] May your mortgage be as tiny as the shrimp at the buffet and your arguments be shorter than the line for the bathroom at the back of the bar May your in-laws never visit on a Tuesday may your password never fail you may your toddler never lock you out of the minivan car May your babies sleep at seven may your neighbors never mow at six in the morning may your gutters never clog oh shit Uncle Ray is crying now I don't even know your last name but I'm holding up a glass of somebody's merlot and the whole damn barn is on its feet and hollering wow [Verse 3: aftermath, relaxed storytelling, bouncy] Now the bride is hugging me, the groom is calling me cuz Grandma slipped a twenty in my pocket, asked me who I was Best man woke up in a tablecloth and gave me a salute Somebody's baby threw up on the other leg of my suit Tasha's by the photo booth like how'd you pull it off I said I'm a professional, and then the safety pin popped off Pants hit the floor right as the photographer said cheese Now I'm hanging on their mantel in my boxers, if you please [Hook: melodic sing-along, horns, crowd clinking glasses] Raise your glass to the wrong table I don't know your name but I'm able Napkin says K and D, that's my cue Here's to the bride and here's to, uh, you Raise it high, let it fly I don't know these people but I'm finna cry [Outro: spoken over fading horns, crowd chatter] Bro. That was beautiful. Who are you? Table nine. There is no table nine. Then whose chicken did I eat? Hey. Hey, man. About those gutters.
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