[Intro – DM Voice, serious tone] You enter the dungeon… The air is still… You hear scratching… …tiny scratching… (pause) Roll perception. [Verse 1 – Panic building] Torchlight flickers, shadows crawl Fighter says, “It’s nothing at all” Wizard’s bored, flipping spells Rogue says, “Guys I rolled a twelve…” Cleric whispers, “Something’s wrong…” Barbarian’s humming a drinking song Then the floor just clicks—too late to react Tiny little hands and the walls go CRACK [Pre-Chorus – realization] You thought goblins? You thought rats? You thought traps were where it’s at? No no no… you FOOLS tonight— [Chorus – FULL CHAOS] THE G GNOMES ATTACK From the dirt, from the cracks Tiny boots and a thousand hats You can’t fight what you can’t track THE G GNOMES ATTACK Roll perception? Yeah too bad They got +12 in stealth and that’s a fact Welcome to the gnome ambush, pack! (HEY!) [Verse 2 – mechanics joke chaos] Rogue says, “I hide!” — DM says, “Nope.” “They’ve been hiding since before you spoke.” Wizard casts light — now they’re everywhere Little red hats in your goddamn hair Fighter swings wide, hits the wall “Why are they so DAMN SMALL?” Barbarian rages, axe goes whiff Missed a gnome by half an inch [Pre-Chorus – spiraling] They’re in your boots They’re in your pack They’re in the map you just looked at You feel a tug—your gold is gone— [Chorus – louder, dumber, better] THE G GNOMES ATTACK Under armor, in your back Inventory? Yeah they jacked Every coin and every snack THE G GNOMES ATTACK Bonus action: steal your pack Disengage then vanish back You just got robbed by something that small— (WHAT THE HELL??) [Breakdown – DM vs Players] DM (calm): You take… 1 damage. Party (losing it): ONE DAMAGE?? DM: …each. Party: OH COME ON— [Bridge – deep lore joke] They’re not cute, they’re not nice They guard the dirt, they guard the price You dug too deep, you took their gold Now you’re getting legally controlled Earth spirits with tiny rage Ancient, petty, underpaid You want treasure? You want fame? You just triggered the G GNOME DOMAIN [Final Chorus – full tavern chant] THE G GNOMES ATTACK Swarm the tank and break his back Climb the wizard like a rack Cast “Get off me”—countered THAT THE G GNOMES ATTACK Cleric down? Yeah, react Healing word? They stole your pack Now you’re praying to a god that’s AFK (HEY!) [Outro – defeated party] DM says, “You’re all alive…” “Technically you survived…” You lost your gold… your pride… your map… …and your dignity to gnomes.
