Citizens... The main course is cleared.... Now, we turn to the serious business of Pudding... We are making Apple Crumble. First... The Fruit. Do not bring me a Pink Lady, do not bring me a Golden Delicious. They are eating apples, they are too weak for this. We need the Bramley. The Big Green Monster... Sour.... Angular... Ugly. You will want one per person and, like tea, one for the dish, like a tax for the gods of all things fruity... Peel it mercilessly, remove the core and... Slice it. It needs no pre-cooking. It has stamina. Lay it in the dish, in formation like scales or herringbone. It is the tart foundation of our happiness. Add honey and brown sugar scattered evenly over the top. The Topping. The Crumble, a gravel for the senses. Flour... Sugar.... and cubed, cold butter... cold as you dare! Now... the Technique... Fingertips only, do not use your palms... Your palms are hot, we do not want dough... We want lots of little rocks, like gravel. Rub the butter into the flour. Lift it up... Let it fall.... again and again... Pour these little rocks over the apples. Do not pack it down. Let it breathe. Bake it until the fruit bubbles up... like volcanic lava. Now... The Custard... This is where you will fail... Listen to me... We are not making "Crème Anglaise." That is French propaganda. That is milk that gave up. We are making... English... Custard. It must be Thick... It must have... structural integrity. Egg yolks... Sugar... Milk.... Cream... And the secret weapon... Cornflour.... this is the thickener... Mix this together, while cold, and warm up slowly... Too much heat..? ... Remove the pan from the flames, keep stirring; the residual heat will restore order to chaos. Infuse some of the milk with a vanilla pod, if you're feeling fancy... let it steep, like tea, but remove the pod before slowly adding this strongly flavoured, hot milk to the mixture. This milk will be hot... do not add it until the rest of the mixture is hot... or you will cook the eggs and cream too quickly. Are we getting hot? Whisk it... constantly but gently. If you let it sit still or heat it too quickly, you will make scrambled eggs. Do not make scrambled eggs. Watch it turn from liquid... to Rib-Sticking Gold. If you pour it... and it splashes... it is too thin. It should fold over itself. It should be able to support a standing spoon. When this occurs, take the pan off the heat immediately... onto a cool, stone surface. The Service. If you have practiced and timed this correctly, the Crumble comes out molten hot.... and... the Custard is... still... also... molten hot. Pour the Yellow Blanket over the Rough Gravel.... Watch it seep into the cracks... The meeting of the Sour Apple and the Sweet Cream. It is not delicate... It is insulation... It will keep you warm through a miserable, wet Tuesday. Scrape the bowl, lick it if you must - I'll forgive you. Leave nothing behind. Carry on.
