The Wizard Cast Guinea Pig

+ Show full styles

V5.5

[Verse 1]
Five brave heroes crossed the threshold
Of a dungeon black and deep:
A knight, a rogue, an archer,
A cleric half asleep.
Behind them marched their wizard,
Grinning proudly ear to ear,
“I’ve invented a new spell!”
The knight said, “That’s what I fear.”

A giant goat with flaming horns
Rose roaring from the floor.
The wizard jumped before them:
“I’ve waited all week for this!”

[Mage]
“I CAST GUINEA PIG!”

[Party]
“You cast WHAT?!”

[Verse 2]
The ceiling turned to porridge!
Every doorway turned to cheese!
A thousand spectral turnips
Started screaming through the breeze!
The goat began to levitate,
The floor became a slide,
The heroes tumbled everywhere
With nowhere left to hide.
A giant spectral turnip
Struck the goat upon the horn,
And launched him through a portal!

[Mage]
“Exactly as designed.”

[Knight]
“BULLSHIT!”

[Chorus]
I CAST GIUNEA PIG!
[Gang] WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!
I CAST GGUINEA PIG!
[Gang] WHAT DOES IT DO?!
Nobody knows! Nobody ask!
Everybody hit the floor!
Whenever that wizard raises his hands,
RUN FOR THE BLOODY DOOR!

[Verse 3]
The Goblin King sat on his throne
With fifty guards in line.
The wizard raised his fingers.

[Party]
“DON’T!”

[Mage]
“I CAST GUINEA PIG!”

Every sword became a haddock!
Every shield became a pie!
The Goblin King’s enormous throne
Grew wings and learned to fly!
It smashed through seven columns,
Bounced twice across the floor,
Then carried king and goblin guards
Straight out the dungeon door!

[Knight]
“You didn’t plan that!”

[Mage]
“Prove it.”

[Verse 4]
An Ogre Mage stood twelve feet tall
With lightning in his hand.
Before the cleric shouted “NO!”
The wizard took his stand.

[Mage]
“I CAST GUINEA PIG!”

[Party]
“WHY?!”

Gravity reversed itself!
The heroes hit the roof!
The ogre’s robes became balloons!
His wand became a goose!
The goose attacked the ogre,
Who grabbed a chandelier,
It launched him through a window
And the ogre disappeared!

[Knight]
“I genuinely hate you.”

[Mage]
“Noted.”

[Chorus]
I CAST GUINEA PIG!
[Gang] WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!
I CAST GUINEA PIG!
[Gang] WHAT DOES IT DO?!
Nobody knows! Nobody ask!
Everybody hit the floor!
Whenever that wizard raises his hands,
RUN FOR THE BLOODY DOOR!

[Verse 5]
The ancient Lich rose from his grave:
“FOOLS! NOW YOUR SOULS ARE—”

[Mage]
“I CAST  GUINEA PIG!”

[Lich]
“…Excuse me?”

Tiny spoons began to march,
The Lich sang to the moon,
His undead started tap-dancing,
His staff became a spoon!
The rogue screamed, “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!”
The wizard answered, “WAIT!”
A giant phantom teapot
Swallowed Lich and sealed his fate.

[Cleric]
“Is he dead?”

[Mage]
“Define dead.”

[Solo-Dueling Guitar & Violin]
[Fast folk violin vs neoclassical guitar, rapid call-and-response, sweep arpeggios, accelerating into synchronized shred]

[Final Verse]
At last they reached the final room,
A dragon filled the hall.
The wizard grinned and raised his hands.

[Mage]
“I CAST—”

[ENTIRE PARTY]
“NOOOOO!”

[Mage]
“GUINEA PIG!”

[Silence]

[Squeaking]

Where five great heroes once had stood
Sat five small balls of fluff.
The dragon stared down silently.

[Dragon]
“Seriously?”

[Breakdown]
The knight-pig charged his ankle!
The rogue-pig climbed his tail!
The archer fired toothpicks
In a tiny wooden hail!
The cleric bit a dragon toe!
The wizard squeaked, “ATTACK!”
The dragon tripped across his gold
And landed on his back!

Five guinea pigs stood victorious.

[Mage-Pig]
“Exactly as designed.”

[Party]
“SHUT UP!”

[Final Chorus]
I CAST GUINEA PIG!
[Gang] NEVER AGAIN!
I CAST GUINEA PIG!
[Gang] YOU NEARLY KILLED YOUR FRIENDS!
Goats and liches! Kings and geese!
Somehow every battle ceased!
Nobody knows how the damn spell works,
BUT SOMEHOW WE’RE NOT DECEASED!

Five tiny heroes saved the day
Against a dragon ten tons big!
ALL HAIL THE GREATEST SPELL OF ALL:
I! CAST! GUINEA  PIG!

[Outro]
[Mage]
“Good news! I’ve invented another spell.”

[Party]
“NO.”

[Mage]
“I call it… Exploding Hamster Tornado.”

[Weapons Drawn]

[ENTIRE PARTY]
“DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!”

4278/7500

[Style: Fast, upbeat comedic folk metal; powerful female folk storyteller, galloping guitars, fiddle, mandolin, whistles and pounding drums. Huge tavern singalong chorus, theatrical character voices and escalating fantasy chaos. Extended dueling electric guitar and violin solo.] [Verse 1] Five brave heroes crossed the threshold Of a dungeon black and deep: A knight, a rogue, an archer, A cleric half asleep. Behind them marched their wizard, Grinning proudly ear to ear, “I’ve invented a new spell!” The knight said, “That’s what I fear.” A giant goat with flaming horns Rose roaring from the floor. The wizard jumped before them: “I’ve waited all week for this!” [Mage] “I CAST GUINEA PIG!” [Party] “You cast WHAT?!” [Verse 2] The ceiling turned to porridge! Every doorway turned to cheese! A thousand spectral turnips Started screaming through the breeze! The goat began to levitate, The floor became a slide, The heroes tumbled everywhere With nowhere left to hide. A giant spectral turnip Struck the goat upon the horn, And launched him through a portal! [Mage] “Exactly as designed.” [Knight] “BULLSHIT!” [Chorus] I CAST GIUNEA PIG! [Gang] WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! I CAST GGUINEA PIG! [Gang] WHAT DOES IT DO?! Nobody knows! Nobody ask! Everybody hit the floor! Whenever that wizard raises his hands, RUN FOR THE BLOODY DOOR! [Verse 3] The Goblin King sat on his throne With fifty guards in line. The wizard raised his fingers. [Party] “DON’T!” [Mage] “I CAST GUINEA PIG!” Every sword became a haddock! Every shield became a pie! The Goblin King’s enormous throne Grew wings and learned to fly! It smashed through seven columns, Bounced twice across the floor, Then carried king and goblin guards Straight out the dungeon door! [Knight] “You didn’t plan that!” [Mage] “Prove it.” [Verse 4] An Ogre Mage stood twelve feet tall With lightning in his hand. Before the cleric shouted “NO!” The wizard took his stand. [Mage] “I CAST GUINEA PIG!” [Party] “WHY?!” Gravity reversed itself! The heroes hit the roof! The ogre’s robes became balloons! His wand became a goose! The goose attacked the ogre, Who grabbed a chandelier, It launched him through a window And the ogre disappeared! [Knight] “I genuinely hate you.” [Mage] “Noted.” [Chorus] I CAST GUINEA PIG! [Gang] WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! I CAST GUINEA PIG! [Gang] WHAT DOES IT DO?! Nobody knows! Nobody ask! Everybody hit the floor! Whenever that wizard raises his hands, RUN FOR THE BLOODY DOOR! [Verse 5] The ancient Lich rose from his grave: “FOOLS! NOW YOUR SOULS ARE—” [Mage] “I CAST GUINEA PIG!” [Lich] “…Excuse me?” Tiny spoons began to march, The Lich sang to the moon, His undead started tap-dancing, His staff became a spoon! The rogue screamed, “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!” The wizard answered, “WAIT!” A giant phantom teapot Swallowed Lich and sealed his fate. [Cleric] “Is he dead?” [Mage] “Define dead.” [Solo-Dueling Guitar & Violin] [Fast folk violin vs neoclassical guitar, rapid call-and-response, sweep arpeggios, accelerating into synchronized shred] [Final Verse] At last they reached the final room, A dragon filled the hall. The wizard grinned and raised his hands. [Mage] “I CAST—” [ENTIRE PARTY] “NOOOOO!” [Mage] “GUINEA PIG!” [Silence] [Squeaking] Where five great heroes once had stood Sat five small balls of fluff. The dragon stared down silently. [Dragon] “Seriously?” [Breakdown] The knight-pig charged his ankle! The rogue-pig climbed his tail! The archer fired toothpicks In a tiny wooden hail! The cleric bit a dragon toe! The wizard squeaked, “ATTACK!” The dragon tripped across his gold And landed on his back! Five guinea pigs stood victorious. [Mage-Pig] “Exactly as designed.” [Party] “SHUT UP!” [Final Chorus] I CAST GUINEA PIG! [Gang] NEVER AGAIN! I CAST GUINEA PIG! [Gang] YOU NEARLY KILLED YOUR FRIENDS! Goats and liches! Kings and geese! Somehow every battle ceased! Nobody knows how the damn spell works, BUT SOMEHOW WE’RE NOT DECEASED! Five tiny heroes saved the day Against a dragon ten tons big! ALL HAIL THE GREATEST SPELL OF ALL: I! CAST! GUINEA PIG! [Outro] [Mage] “Good news! I’ve invented another spell.” [Party] “NO.” [Mage] “I call it… Exploding Hamster Tornado.” [Weapons Drawn] [ENTIRE PARTY] “DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!”

0/500