Now hiring! Night driver needed. Must handle highways, screaming fans, and suspiciously warm luggage. Benefits include dental. Ours. I printed forms, I checked the dates I called six agencies They all said, “Love the band, but no, please stop contacting me.” The last five drivers left no notes Just keys and empty shoes And one wrote “Do not trust the map” In sauce across the news So tell me cleanly, one by one Why our staff keeps coming undone Hiring prey, night shift pay Keep the bus between the lines Eyes on road, don’t turn around Don’t read the warning signs Hiring prey, danger rate Drive until the morning gray If the back lounge starts to whisper Do not answer, drive away Driver one was charming, sure Too curious, too bold Kept asking what the curtains hid Behind the storage hold I told him “Nothing company-approved” He laughed and parked too near Now every time we hit a bump I swear I hear him cheer That is not compliant. He loved immersive work culture. Driver two corrected me On route, on wine, on taste A confident catastrophe Of most regrettable haste I offered him perspective A more internal view He finally stopped explaining maps Somewhere past Baton Rouge Éléonore! [Éléonore] He was insufferable in stereo. Hiring prey, night shift pay Keep the bus between the lines Eyes on road, don’t turn around Don’t read the warning signs Hiring prey, danger rate Drive until the morning gray If the back lounge starts to whisper Do not answer, drive away Driver three ran. Bad instinct. Left turn. Wrong precinct. Good lungs. Fast shoes. Strong heart. Bad news. Bus late. Crowd mad. Still, best chase we had. You cannot review employees like prey animals. He had promise. Driver four was overwhelmed By rain, by noise, by miles He shook so hard beside the wheel I softened all my smiles I offered rest, a quiet place Where thunder could not creep He missed the show in Dallas, yes But had the safest sleep Inside you? With great emotional support. New policy. No swallowing the driver. No “interior promotion.” No chase-based performance reviews. No wine-pairing the staff. No “accidental” backstage detours. Define accidental. Keys first! Snacks last! Road straight! Drive fast! No bites! No slips! No naps Past lips! Must work nights Must love noise Must ignore Hungry girls Must stay calm Must not blush Must survive Tour bus rush Hiring prey, night shift pay Keep the bus between the lines Eyes on road, don’t turn around Don’t read the warning signs Hiring prey, danger rate Drive until the morning gray If the back lounge starts to whisper Do not answer, drive away Applications are open. Please attach references. And a full-body photo. No. Blood type? No! Can they run? Absolutely not! Do they need a blanket? Fine. Blanket is allowed. Hiring prey... Drive away... Hiring prey... Drive away...
