𝒜𝓂𝒾𝓈𝒽 𝒢𝒶𝓃𝑔𝓈𝓉𝒶

Lyrics by New Columbia, Inspired by Weird Al Yankovic **[INTRO — spoken, low and threatening]** Mah homies see me roll up in da carriage, Two Amish dames an’ a whole lotta baggage. Black hat low, an’ da reins pulled tight, Horse-hoof THUNDAH in da dead o’ night. **[VERSE 1]** I’m churnin’ dat BUTTAH all ding-dong day, Churn to da left, churn mah troubles away. Half o’ mah life in a bucket an’ pail, Other half prayin’ dat da crops don’t fail. **FOOL!** You wanna test me? Bettah know mah gang, Barn-door BASS when da iron bells CLANG. Sorry, babe, you already know da deal— Me an’ Ezekiel keep it old-school REAL. **[BREAKDOWN — spoken]** No wires... No screens... No machines... **CHURN! CHURN! CHURN!** **[CHORUS]** I am an AMISH GANGSTAH! You should know BETTAH, Than ta roll up heah, Messin’ wit’ me an’ mah brethren togethah! I am an AMISH GANGSTAH! Bettah watch dose knees, Or ya might walk home Wit’ a couple less bone-eez— **FOOL!** I am an AMISH GANGSTAH! Shoulda known BETTAH! Don’t hand me a phone! Don’t hand me a phone! What are ya, Some kinda modernist CRONE?! **AMISH!** **GANGSTAH!** **[VERSE 2]** You think you’re pious? Think again. Can I get an... **AY-MEN?!** Rollin’ in mah carriage, dressed so fine, Steel-rim wheels an’ a wooden road sign. Wave dat nonsense anywhere near heah, Even mah horse knows ya don’t belong heah. Me an’ mah homies got da bonfire bright, Throwin’ fake plastic in da firelight. Ya fancy car an’ ya phony chrome Ain’t worth one acre o’ da land back home. Life gets rough an’ da road gets tough, But a sinnuh’s little shortcut ain’t enough. You chase ya signal, I harvest mah grain— You got FIVE BARS? **I GOT FIVE TONS O’ HAY!** **[BREAKDOWN]** No Wi-Fi... **NO WAY!** No apps... **WE PRAY!** **CHURN! CHURN! CHURN!** **[CHORUS]** I am an AMISH GANGSTAH! You should know BETTAH, Than ta roll up heah, Messin’ wit’ me an’ mah brethren togethah! I am an AMISH GANGSTAH! Bettah watch dose knees, Or ya might walk home Wit’ a couple less bone-eez— **FOOL!** I am an AMISH GANGSTAH! Shoulda known BETTAH! Don’t hand me a phone! Don’t hand me a phone! What are ya, Some kinda modernist CRONE?! **AMISH! GANGSTAH!** **[VERSE 3 — darker]** Churnin’ dis BUTTAH till da Second Comin’, Hear dat kick drum—hear dat THUNDAH drummin’. Demons at da gate, but dey ain’t gettin’ in, Latch dat barn an’ repent ya SIN. **FOOL!** Me an’ mah homies open Leviticus, Read every line ’cause we’re meticulous. Candlelight flickahs while da choir gets ominous, Whole barn chantin’ like— **DOM-IN-US...** **DOM-IN-US...** No neon glow, No digital charm. Dere’s only ONE LAW When ya step on dis farm. One sacred rule. One command. One line ya BETTAH understand... **[MUSIC STOPS]** No... Chicken... **PAR-MAH-ZAHN!** **[BEAT SLAMS BACK IN]** CHURN DAT BUTTAH! **HEY!** STACK DAT HAY! **HEY!** RAISE DAT BARN! **HEY!** KNEEL AN’ PRAY! You got Bluetooth? **NO!** You got TikTok? **NO!** You got Instagram? **NO!** WHAT YOU GOT?! **BUTTAH!** **[FINAL CHORUS]** I am an AMISH GANGSTAH! You should know BETTAH, Than ta roll up heah, Messin’ wit’ me an’ mah brethren togethah! I am an AMISH GANGSTAH! Bettah watch dose knees, Or ya might walk home Wit’ a couple less bone-eez— **FOOL!** I am an AMISH GANGSTAH! Shoulda known BETTAH! Don’t hand me a phone! Don’t hand me a phone! What are ya, Some kinda modernist CRONE?! I AM AN... **AMISH GANGSTAH!** **[OUTRO — gang vocals]** CHURN! PRAY! PLOW! HAY! AMISH GANGSTAH ALL DAMN DAY! Churnin’ dat buttah... **BUTTAH...** **BUTTAH...** **BUTTAH...** Livin’ off da land... No chicken par-mah-zahn. **FOOL!**