[Verse 1: Late-night infomercial pitchman male MC, selling hard over punchy live drums and bright guitar stabs] Are you tired of the men who never call you back Men who leave you on read with a pizza and a snack Introducin' Gary, he's the man across the table Owns his own car, and the car is mostly stable Folds a fitted sheet in under fifty seconds flat Knows your mother's birthday, and he'll never wear a hat Comes with all his teeth and a library card Never been arrested, only questioned, and not hard Call now, call now, 'cause the offer won't last I'm gettin' older by the minute, and I'm aging pretty fast Fine print, Gary snores, Gary owes his brother forty Gary cried at a dog food ad, results may vary, sorry [Hook: Pitchman MC, punchy, vibraphone on the last word of every line] But wait, there's more, and darlin', more is what you get Call in the next ten minutes, I'm the best you haven't met Operators standin' by, I'm standin' by the door You ain't seen the half of me, but wait, there's more [Verse 2: Pitchman MC, faster, the bass line bouncing under the pitch] She laughs into her pasta, and she says say that again Not the car, not the sheet, the part you said near the end So I go into the bonus, order now and you'll receive My cousin's truck on movin' day, and a shoulder you can leave And she says the fine print, Gary, read me that one more time So I rattle it again before I lose her on the line Fine print, Gary snores, Gary owes his brother forty Gary cried at a dog food ad, results may vary, sorry [Hook: Pitchman MC, punchy, vibraphone on the last word of every line] But wait, there's more, and darlin', more is what you get Call in the next ten minutes, I'm the best you haven't met Operators standin' by, I'm standin' by the door You ain't seen the half of me, but wait, there's more [Verse 3: Pitchman MC, disclaimer flip, the fine print said slow and clear, a full-band hit on every flaw] So I put the pitch away, and I set down the fork And I say it slow and plain like a man from New York Gary snores, loud, like a truck in the snow Gary owes his brother forty, and he's owed it years ago Gary cried at a dog food ad, a big one, in the hall Results may vary, Denise, and that's the deal, that's all And she leans across the table, says the fine print is the part Not the car, not the sheet, Gary, that's the part that got my heart Then I'm reachin' for the check, and I'm standin' up to go And she grabs me by the sleeve, and she says Gary, slow But wait, she says, I'm orderin', and I'm orderin' it twice Operators standin' by, and she don't even ask the price [Final Hook: Pitchman MC, everything, vibraphone and handclaps] But wait, there's more, and darlin', more is what you get Call in the next ten minutes, I'm the best you haven't met Operators standin' by, I'm standin' by the door You ain't seen the half of me, but wait, there's more [End]
