Monsters at the Market

[Style: Fast, upbeat folk metal; powerful female folk vocalist with lively comedic storytelling. Galloping metal guitars, fiddle, mandolin, whistles and pounding drums. Huge rowdy singalong choruses. Whimsical medieval-fantasy chaos. Extended dueling electric guitar and violin solo.] [Verse 1 – Female Folk Vocal] At seven in the morning when they opened up the store, A hundred hungry monsters came stampeding through the door! An ogre grabbed a shopping cart and shouted, “OUT MY WAY!” While fourteen angry goblins fought Over bread marked down today! A minotaur stood staring at a map beside the gate, He’d been wandering through Produce since a quarter after eight, A troll was squeezing melons just to find the ripest one— He squeezed a little harder… Now there aren’t any left. [Spoken] “Cleanup in Produce.” [Pre-Chorus] Grab your cart! Grab your list! Someone’s looking really pissed! Bread and cheese and legs of lamb— WHO PUT A DRAGON NEAR THE HAM?! [Chorus – Huge Tavern Singalong] MONSTERS AT THE MARKET! Rolling down the aisle! Orcs are buying sausages And stacking them a mile! MONSTERS AT THE MARKET! Everybody run! The dwarves discovered free samples— AND NOW WE’RE DOWN TO NONE! [Verse 2] Three dwarves arrived in Dairy with a shopping list for cheese, They sampled every cheddar block and shouted, “MORE OF THESE!” One built a little fortress out of butter stacked up high, Another found the whipped cream— And sprayed it in his eye. An orc was reading labels with his spectacles in place, “Low sodium? Gluten-free?” A look of horror crossed his face. He grabbed a sack of bacon and a twenty-pound pork roast, Then proudly told the cashier, “Nutrition matters most.” [Pre-Chorus] Carts collide! Shelves come down! Cabbages are rolling round! Someone sound the warning bell— THE TROLL HAS FOUND THE CARAMEL! [Chorus] MONSTERS AT THE MARKET! Rolling down the aisle! Orcs are buying sausages And stacking them a mile! MONSTERS AT THE MARKET! Everybody run! The dwarves discovered free samples— AND NOW WE’RE DOWN TO NONE! [Verse 3] A dragon found the frozen aisle and stared in disbelief, “Why would anybody freeze A perfectly good piece of beef?” He breathed a tiny puff of flame— The pizzas all defrosted. The manager came running up To calculate the cost. “Sir! You cannot breathe fire here!” The dragon scratched his chin. “But everything was frozen… I was warming it again.” Meanwhile seven little goblins commandeered a shopping cart, Racing down the cereal aisle— Which wasn’t very smart. They hit a pyramid of beans, Then ricocheted through Bread, And landed in the bakery With cupcakes on their heads! [Instrumental Break – Dueling Guitar & Violin] [Violin launches into a frantic dancing folk melody] [Electric guitar answers with a blazing neoclassical run] [Violin responds with rapid-fire arpeggios] [Guitar answers with sweep-picked shred] [Fast guitar and violin call-and-response] [Mandolin joins as both instruments accelerate] [Violin and guitar explode into a ridiculously fast synchronized finale] [Breakdown – Female Vocal] Then everything went silent… At register number three. The minotaur had finally found The checkout successfully. His cart was piled mountainous high With everything he’d found. The cashier scanned his groceries: “That’ll be nine hundred pounds.” He searched his pockets nervously. His mighty shoulders sank. “I left my wallet in the labyrinth.” [Brief Silence] [Cashier] “…Next.” [Bridge – Building Faster] The ogres have the onions! The trolls have all the pies! There’s yogurt on the ceiling! There’s flour in my eyes! The dwarves are pushing trolleys! The goblins stole the ham! The dragon found the barbecue— OH GOD, HE’S GOT A PLAN! [Final Chorus – Double-Time] MONSTERS AT THE MARKET! Raise your shopping list! The ogres need potatoes And the goblins coexist! MONSTERS AT THE MARKET! Let the fiddle scream tonight! A minotaur in Produce Has been turning left since nine! MONSTERS AT THE MARKET! Hear the creatures roar! They came for eggs and vegetables— AND DESTROYED THE BLOODY STORE! [Huge Folk-Metal Finale] [Rapid Guitar & Violin Unison Run] [Final Hit] [Female Vocal, spoken] “Does anybody have a loyalty card?” [Deep Dragon Voice] “I ATE IT.”