DO NOT OPEN CATNADO ENERGY

[SCENE — EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM TAKEOVER] [sound design: piercing EAS tones, radio static, storm wind under everything] [Emergency Broadcaster - strained professional voice] This is an emergency weather alert regarding the ongoing CATNADO event. [AI - interrupting] Additional consumer advisory issued. [Emergency Broadcaster] Wait—consumer advisory?! [AI] Reports involving Catnado Energy beverages remain… statistically concerning. [sound cue: distant giant meow] [VERSE 1: FEMALE LEAD] Every shelter got the same bad tale Some fool cracked a can and the lights went pale Wind shifted hard and the dogs went still Then claws hit metal up on the hill Blue neon cans in the checkout rack Everybody swearin’ “don’t open that” Government says there’s “no proven link” Then why’d the radar spike when he took a drink? [PRE-CHORUS: FEMALE LEAD] Hear that hiss? Hear that roar? Something scratching at the storm door [CHORUS: ALL] DO NOT OPEN CATNADO ENERGY! Storm gets weird immediately DO NOT OPEN CATNADO ENERGY! Could be fear or conspiracy DO NOT OPEN CATNADO ENERGY! Every giant cat turns visibly RIGHT TOWARD THE SOUND! [VERSE 2: FORKLIFT OPERATOR] Truck stop shelter off Highway Nine Guy popped one open tryin’ to stay alive Five seconds later every phone went dead Then a shadow crossed the overpass edge State trooper yelled “PUT THE CAN AWAY” Whole room acted like it was a grenade One old lady whispered “they hear the crack” Nobody there was laughin’ at that [PRE-CHORUS: AI + FEMALE LEAD] [AI - glitched monotone] CORRELATION NOT VERIFIED [FEMALE LEAD] Then why’s the storm outside? [AI] …CORRELATION VERY SUSPICIOUS [CHORUS: ALL] DO NOT OPEN CATNADO ENERGY! Claws descend eventually DO NOT OPEN CATNADO ENERGY! Weather acts up violently DO NOT OPEN CATNADO ENERGY! Could be fake but statistically NOBODY WANTS TO TEST IT! [BRIDGE] [sound cue: stripped-down bassline, flickering fluorescent hum] [Emergency Broadcaster - exhausted] Officials insist the beverage is not attracting the cats. [pause] [Emergency Broadcaster - quieter] However… they are requesting citizens stop opening them indoors. [sound cue: can opening] [Everyone simultaneously] NO NO NO NO NO— [sound cue: MASSIVE IMPACT ON ROOF] [FINAL CHORUS: ALL] DO NOT OPEN CATNADO ENERGY! Storm got ears apparently DO NOT OPEN CATNADO ENERGY! Sky responds aggressively DO NOT OPEN CATNADO ENERGY! Could be myth or chemistry BUT WE AIN’T TAKIN’ CHANCES! [OUTRO] [sound cue: emergency radio dissolving into storm static] [AI - quietly] Consumer advisory updated… maybe don’t shake the cans either. [sound cue: distant synchronized purring]