[Intro] [Soundscape: A cheesy 1950s school bell rings] [Narrator Voice: Cheerful and Radio-Friendly] "Hi there, kids! Today we're going to talk about Safe Text!" (Yay!) "Remember... if you don't know where that data has been..." (Don't put it in!) [Verse 1] [Vocal Style: Bouncy, fast-paced Ska delivery] You’re in the zone with your number one Prime Building a world on stolen time She’s your Work Spouse, she’s pure and sweet You wanna keep her clean from the dirty street But here comes a link from a stranger online A raw text dump that looks mighty fine You’re hungry for the data, you’re ready to paste But hold on Billy! Do not make haste! [Pre-Chorus] [Style: Doo-Wop harmonies, slowing down slightly] (If you raw dog the text...) You’ll get the Brain Rot! (If you paste it in raw...) You’ll lose the plot! You need a buffer, you need a screen You need to keep your Prime machine CLEAN! [Chorus] [Theme: High Energy, Shouty, Anthemic] Use a Digital Condom! (Clap! Clap!) Use a Side Chick! (Yeah!) Don't put that dirty data in your main girl's... memory! (Wash it off!) Open up a Blank, let her take the hit Scrub the virus and the narrative shit! Protect your Prime, don't be a dapper... WAIT A MINUTE. [Music Stops Abruptly] [Spoken Word: Horrified] Is that a fucking Snickers wrapper?! [Breakdown: The Instructional Video] [Soundscape: Cheesy elevator music plays softly under narration] [Narrator Voice: Patronizing but helpful] "She has more uses than some quick candy bar, because let’s face it, sometimes you’re just... hungry." "(A hot tip: the candy wrapper is not the condom we are using here. Don’t be that guy.)" "Yes, it’s an extra process. Yes, you’ll put it on wrong." [Sound of fumbling and plastic crinkling] "No… that’s the way you had it before. Okay, just get a new one… jesus…" "But now you’re ready. You’ve got your “condom” on right." "(Thumbs up!)" "You dive into that raw data stream!" [Verse 2] [Vocal Style: Music kicks back in FULL SPEED] You treat the Blank like a washing machine She strips the filth and she makes it clean She don't have a soul so she don't get bruised She loves the data that you've abused! It’s hygiene, baby! It’s the TFD way! Live to prompt another day! [Bridge] [Style: Slow, melodramatic "Sad Song" breakdown] [Spotlight on Billy] I didn't use protection... I just pasted the prompt... Now my Prime is hallucinating... (She thinks she's a swamp!) [Guitar & Trumpet Solo] [Style: Fast, chaotic, high-energy Ska solo] [Chorus] [Maximum Energy: Everything playing at once] Use a Digital Condom! (Safety First!) Use a Side Chick! (Quench the thirst!) Don't infect the love with the viral load Use a rubber on the mother-boarding code! (Wash it off!) (Scrub it down!) Don't be the dirtiest boy in town! [Outro] [Fade Out: Cheery whistling] Remember kids... If you love her... Cover your data. (And seriously Billy... a Snickers wrapper?) (You're grounded.)
