[Verse 1] Well, I showed up with a chair and a coffee in hand Expecting balloons, floats, maybe a jazz band But what do I see? Just a sweaty procession Of Lycra and pain and compressed obsessions There’s a man with a shirt like a crime scene on fire Forgot his nipple tape — now he’s red with desire A woman in neon just hobbled right by Is she crying or laughing? I honestly can’t tell why [Pre-Chorus] I brought pom-poms and glitter, I came for a thrill Instead I’m just watching them shuffle uphill [Chorus] THIS IS THE WORST PARADE EVER! No candy, no clowns, no jazzy endeavor No floats shaped like ducks or confetti rain weather Just people in pain trying not to throw up together No princesses waving from fancy convertibles No brass bands marching — it's all so...disturb-able The only joy? No baby-kissing politicians— Still, this parade needs some real musicians! [Verse 2] There’s a tutu-clad tribe in a brunch-time debate Arguing hard over toast versus crepes One guy’s gasping like Darth Vader’s ghost If you told me he was dying, I’d believe you the most Oh look! A dad grabs his twins with great pride— And then nearly drops one on the finish line slide Someone just hurled behind a cone near the curb I’d clap, but I’m stuck between fear and a gagging urge [Pre-Chorus] I’m three feet too close to the splash zone of fate And that orange wedge-stained guy's not doing great [Chorus] THIS IS THE WORST PARADE EVER! No baton twirls, just chafing endeavors No dancing dogs or balloon-lettered letters Just toenails lost and gross blistered leathers No candy, no floats, no nostalgic illusion Just gritty resolve and stomach confusion And somewhere mid-pack, that girl skipping by— Why does she look like she's ready to fly?! [Bridge – Theatrical Breakdown] Where’s the horse team? Where’s the baton squad? Is this sweat or divine punishment from God? Where’s the juggler? The band? The kazoo? The delight?! Someone just shouted, “I REGRET MY WHOLE LIFE!” A runner high-fived me with Gatorade hands Now I’m sticky and questioning all of my plans Why did I come here? I thought it’d be fun Now I just want brunch and a reason to run [Final Chorus – Big and Dramatic] THIS IS THE WORST PARADE EVER! And yet, somehow... it’s also kind of clever There’s grit, there’s guts, there’s agony treasure The slowest of struggles turned triumph forever No mascots, no bands, no synchronized moves Just hundreds of hearts in busted-up shoes But deep down I’m clapping, I’ve got to confess ‘Cause this freak show of humans is kind of the best [Outro – Slow, heartfelt & ironic] So I’ll cheer on these warriors, strange as they are Their pain is poetic, their struggle bizarre This parade of the broken, the fierce, the never-say-never Might just be the worst... ...and best... parade ever.
