Sooooo… That’s Funnier Than… [Intro — spoken] Me: “Honey, you know what’s funny?” Wife: “No.” Me: “I haven’t told you yet.” Wife: “Thirty-some years. I know where this is going.” Me: “Well… it’s funnier than—” Wife: “Kids! He’s doing it again!” [Banjo and guitar kick in] [Verse 1] Funnier than a porcupine Backing through a balloon store, Funnier than a drunk man Using his TV remote to unlock the door. Funnier than a rooster Trying to crow with the hiccups, Funnier than a fat guy in a phone booth Trying to pull his Spanx back up. Funnier than a mosquito Thinking a bug zapper’s a tanning bed, Funnier than a woodpecker Coming home with an aching head. [Chorus] Sooooo… that’s funnier than— “Dad, don’t you start that mess again!” Mom’s shaking her head, the kids are laughing, The dog’s already headed out back again. I ain’t saying that it happened, I’m just saying it’d be funny if it did. Sooooo… that’s funnier than— “Keep going, Dad!” “DON’T ENCOURAGE HIM, KIDS!” [Verse 2] Funnier than a chicken Trying to cross a roundabout, Funnier than a burglar hearing Alexa say, “Hey Gary! Glad you’re back in the house!” Funnier than a preacher’s dentures Flying during an altar call, Funnier than a one-armed wallpaper hanger Picking a fight with a ceiling fan on the wall. Funnier than a mime Barefoot stepping on a Lego, You know he’s screaming something— But ain’t nobody gonna know! [Spoken] Me: “I got another one.” Wife: “Of course you do.” Me: “Funnier than a raccoon finding out the trash can has a childproof lid.” Kid: “That’s actually pretty funny.” Wife: “You’re not helping.” [Verse 3] Funnier than a bald man Getting a perm for Christmas Day, Funnier than a giraffe At a drinking fountain six feet away. Funnier than a snake Trying to keep suspenders on, Funnier than a rooster finding out The farmer bought an alarm. Funnier than a redneck yelling, “HEY Y’ALL, WATCH THIS!” again, While the ambulance is still pulling out From what he did at ten! [Chorus] Sooooo… that’s funnier than— Here comes another one again! Mom’s trying not to laugh out loud, But I saw that little grin. The kids keep throwing me suggestions, Now the whole dang family’s joining in. Sooooo… that’s funnier than— “See, honey? I’m rubbing off on them!” Wife: “That’s what I’m afraid of.” [Breakdown — spoken over quiet banjo] Me: “Okay… last one.” Wife: “You promise?” Me: “Absolutely.” Wife: “Go ahead.” Me: “That’s funnier than a man telling his wife to calm down.” Music stops. Wife: “Go ahead.” Me: “What?” Wife: “Tell me to calm down.” Me: “…No.” Wife: “Come on. It’ll be funny.” Me: “I’ve been thinking…” Wife: “Uh-huh.” Me: “…I have decided that wasn’t funny.” Wife: “Look at that. He CAN think.” [Band explodes back in] [Final Chorus] Sooooo… that’s funnier than— Now she’s doing it to me again! The kids are crying, the dog’s come back, Even Mama finally joined in. Thirty-some years she’s heard my nonsense, And somehow I’m still her favorite man— Wife: “I wouldn’t go THAT far.” Sooooo… that’s funnier than— Anything I had planned! [Outro — spoken] Me: “Honey?” Wife: “What?” Me: “I got one more.” Wife: “No.” Me: “It’s a really good one.” Wife: “Goodnight.” Me: “Funnier than a squirrel with his nuts caught in a screen door.” Silence. Kid: “Dad…” Me: “What?” Kid: “Which kind of nuts?” Long pause. Me: “Sooooo…” Wife: “GO TO BED!” [Banjo sting — END]
