Customer Service Necromancer

[Intro] (Thunder. Evil choir.) [Narrator (deep voice)]: "You have reached Customer Support..." "Your estimated wait time..." "...is forever." (Massive guitar riff.) [Verse 1] I called to fix my internet... They summoned me instead. Filled out twenty-seven forms... Now I'm legally undead. Hold music lasted seven years... Still waiting on the line. A skeleton transferred my call... To Department Nine. [Pre-Chorus] Press One! For eternal suffering! Press Two! To hear the menu again! [Chorus] CUSTOMER! SERVICE! NECROMANCER!! He'll resurrect your problems... Before he solves the answer! Every ticket... Every claim... Somehow it's YOUR fault again! CUSTOMER! SERVICE! NECROMANCER!! [Verse 2] The printer gained awareness... Now it judges every file. My coffee filed a grievance... Against my lifestyle. The office goblins unionized... Now lunch breaks last all day. The copier demands A sacrifice... Just to print page eight. [Pre-Chorus] Your call... Is very... Important... To us... [Chorus] CUSTOMER! SERVICE! NECROMANCER!! Every password's wrong... Every portal's cursed forever! Click Accept! Sign your soul! Read the terms... Lose control! [Bridge] (Everything drops except bass and choir.) Manager... Manager... MANAGER... [Lead Singer (spoken)]: "I'd like to speak to your supervisor." (Silence.) [Tiny goblin voice]: "...I am the supervisor." (Band explodes into a blistering solo.) [Guitar Solo] (Ridiculously technical twin-guitar shred with power-metal harmonies.) [Final Chorus] CUSTOMER! SERVICE! NECROMANCER!! Destroying hope... One ticket at a time! Raise your forms! Raise your pens! We'll probably... Need them again! CUSTOMER! SERVICE! NECROMANCER!! [Outro] (Music abruptly stops.) [Automated Voice]: "This survey may take... approximately... forty-five minutes." (Crowd laughs. One final breakdown.)