[Hook] After all of this time After every goodbye I just wanna know what happy feels like 'Cause I've been wasting my time Always chasing a high I just wanna know what happy feels like [Verse] I thought that money and trust could buy security Two things that only enable the thing that's hurting me Two things that only enable the insecurities And that's the only thing I feel, so I still [Verse] I've been pacing in a padded brain, the floorboard's my orbit, Nails in the wall spell "change," but I keep walkin' past the warning. Therapist say "breathe," but I'm breathin' like a war vet, Wheezin' through a torn chest, demons doin' CrossFit on my cortex. Torn flesh on the mic, every bar's a biopsy, Heart in a jar, hooked to wires like an IV. Tried to buy peace, it declined, wrong ID, Card maxed out tryna swipe for the life I thought I might be. I've been dead in the eyes with a live feed runnin', Smile for the lens while my insides plummet. Everybody say "chill," but the vibe seems hunted, I don't hit rock bottom, I franchise it and sublet. I'm the poster child of "don't try this at home," Home was two ghosts and a dial tone. I learned to count by amount of broken iPhones Thrown at the wall when the lies got loud in a quiet home. Everything I love got a countdown ticker, Every happy thought got an "out now" sticker, I keep scrollin' my past till my thumbs get blisters, Lookin' for a moment that proves I ain't this mixture. Now I'm balanced on a bottle cap, suds in my skull, Had a couple "one mores," now my blood's in a flood. I don't trust my own shadow, he been jumpin' the gun, Shootin' first, askin' "who was that?" once the damage is done. I'm the crash test dummy that outlived the commercial, Airbags never came, I just bit through the virtue. Told God "I'll change," then re-birthed the rehearsal, Die on Sunday night, resurrect by rehearsal. I keep rewindin' every sin till the tape run static, Cut my own slack, turn around, then attack it. My brain's a bad neighborhood, I stay in the attic, Boards on the windows but the hate's floodin' the fabric. If happiness is somethin' you can aim at and blast, I been blind shootin' darts at the shape of my past. Tryna staple my faith to a page that won't last, While these razor-blade thoughts do laps in my glass. [Bridge] Take a pill every day Try not to think about it Wish all my problems away Try not to think about it But I don't think I can change When all I think about is what I used to feel like I just wanna feel right [Verse] God granted us serenity, I'm in a search for better remedies Tryna find some light to conquer this dark energy Devil on my shoulder, he tryna' spark chemistry It's an art form how I've lasted Through programmin' that hit the masses, good and evil been clashin' I rose from the ashes, walked the devil's passage My pops shot himself in the crib, that shit was tragic Some how I made it to cribs in Calabasas Calculated my risks, got sticks under the mattress The money don't love you, she's just an actress Without the money, I've been stabbed straight through the back From brother's part of my pack The stress alone'll give you two heart attacks And that's facts Dark clouds cover the future like cataracts The pain was such a common occurrence that I'd adapt Until I made a change to the map You gotta take responsibility for what you attract Track marks, cover arms and people I warn The demons lookin' in my face like "yeah, you been warned" So much needed reform, dad, I weathered the storm Thank God I found some light through it, I've been reborn And I relish it, even though sometimes I'm devilish At being good and bad, I'm a specialist And running from the truth is a theme that is overly relevant The devil in the room is the elephant [Bridge] I've been peelin' off the labels on prescriptions like confessions, Every capsule got a caption: "You ain't learnin' any lessons." I've been run-and-gunnin' from the mirror, duckin' questions, Hidin' from a face that keep indictin' my reflection. I swear, I don't even know if I want peace or revenge, Wanna fix what they broke or just watch it all end. Is it healin' if I'm only tryna prove I ain't them? Or is it just another poison with a brighter brand? I put my faith in a band-aid, called it "therapy," Slapped it on a shotgun wound, called it "clarity." Every high I chase just widens the disparity, I'm scared of what I need more than what's scarin' me. So if you see me in the dark with the volume on max, That's me tryna drown out the panic attacks. I ain't lookin' for a halo or angel to fax, I just wanna feel somethin' that don't vanish so fast. [Hook] After all of this time After every goodbye I just wanna know what happy feels like 'Cause I've been wasting my time Always chasing a high I just wanna know what happy feels like
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