[Verse 1] It's two-forty-seven in the morning. Whole damn house is finally still. I'm exhausted. I'm comfortable. This should be easy. Then my brain goes— Remember what that guy said Tuesday? Oh, for fuck's sake. Yeah, I remember. Didn't bother me that much. Made a joke and kept on moving. Thought I'd already let it go. But apparently my brain decided Now's the perfect time to know— WHAT I SHOULD'VE FUCKING SAID TO HIM FORTY HOURS AGO. [Chorus] I'M WINNING ARGUMENTS NOBODY HEARD WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE FAST ASLEEP! THEY SAID ONE THING TWO DAYS AGO— I'VE GOT A WHOLE DAMN SPEECH! I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'D TELL 'EM! EVERY PERFECT FUCKING WORD! I'M UNDEFEATED AFTER MIDNIGHT— IN ARGUMENTS NOBODY HEARD! [Verse 2] First I find the perfect comeback. Good. We're finished. Go to sleep. Then imaginary him responds— And now that motherfucker's got some nerve. So I counter his rebuttal To the thing he never said. Now we're twenty minutes deeper In a courtroom in my head. I've got evidence and witnesses. I've established precedent. He is getting fucking DESTROYED here. He doesn't know this argument exists. [Pre-Chorus] Meanwhile somewhere miles away, That bastard's probably dreaming. I'm staring at the ceiling— AND I AM FUCKING WINNING. [Chorus] I'M WINNING ARGUMENTS NOBODY HEARD WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE FAST ASLEEP! THEY SAID ONE THING TWO DAYS AGO— I'VE GOT A WHOLE DAMN SPEECH! I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'D TELL 'EM! EVERY PERFECT FUCKING WORD! I'M UNDEFEATED AFTER MIDNIGHT— IN ARGUMENTS NOBODY HEARD! [Verse 3] Now we're not even on the subject That originally began. I've brought up something from last summer. He's denying it again. So I summon conversations. Dates and places. Exact words. Apparently my memory works perfectly Only when it's fucking worse. Then I imagine other people Standing nearby taking sides. Someone says that I was right all along. Thank you. Finally. Vindicated. Then my wife rolls over beside me. You still awake? Nope. [Bridge] Three-fifteen. I won the first one. Three-twenty. Won the second. Three-thirty-eight. We've somehow moved into politics. Abort. ABORT. Think about something peaceful. Ocean. Trees. A quiet field. ... Remember that asshole from high school? GODDAMMIT. [Final Chorus] I'M WINNING ARGUMENTS NOBODY HEARD WITH PEOPLE WHO DON'T FUCKING KNOW! I'VE GOT CLOSING STATEMENTS READY FOR A TRIAL THAT DOESN'T FUCKING EXIST! I'VE DESTROYED THEIR EVERY ARGUMENT! I'VE HAD THE PERFECT FINAL WORD! I'M THE UNDISPUTED CHAMPION— OF ARGUMENTS NOBODY HEARD! THEY'RE UNCONSCIOUS! I'M EXHAUSTED! THEY DON'T KNOW THEY FUCKING LOST! I HAVE WON A TOTAL VICTORY— AT A COMPLETELY MADE-UP COST! [Outro] Alarm goes off. Six A.M. I slept... maybe two hours. Coffee. Shower. Get dressed. Then I see him later that day. He says, Morning, man. I say, Morning. Walk right past. Then ten steps later— OH, NOW I KNOW WHAT I SHOULD'VE FUCKING SAID.
