Learning to Love Myself

[Intro] My chest is a locked room My hands don’t feel like mine The ceiling keeps bending The clock won’t keep time I’m sitting on tile With my back to the door Trying to breathe Like I’ve done this before [Verse 1] There’s noise in the hallway There’s blood in my ears There’s a voice in my body I’ve been feeding for years It says I’m too much It says I’m not enough It says I ruin Everything that I touch I bite down hard So nobody hears I count all the cracks Till the bathroom clears But you knock twice softly And ask, “Are you there?” I open my mouth But there’s no fucking air [Pre-Chorus] I had a whole speech ready I had a better lie But panic strips the paint off Everything inside [Chorus] So I say it Small as hell Like a prayer Like a spell I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself And I need help I hate myself I hate myself That’s all I know how to tell [Verse 2] You sit on the carpet On the other side Not trying to fix me Not asking me why You slide me some water Under the door Like proof I’m a person And not just a war I want to say sorry For being this way For wasting your evening For making you stay But you say, “Don’t do that” Like you know the route Like you’ve watched me turn pain Into manners somehow [Pre-Chorus] And I hate that you see me When I can’t disappear But some tiny part of me Is glad you’re still here [Chorus] So I say it Less like truth More like something I was taught in my youth I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself But I don’t want to I hate myself I hate myself But I don’t want that to be true [Bridge] Maybe I learned it From rooms that were cold From people who loved me By keeping control Maybe I kept it Like a name I deserved Carved into my mirror Burned into my words Maybe I wore it So nobody could tell That hating myself Was a familiar hell But you’re on the floor And I’m still alive And the world didn’t end When I said it out loud [Breakdown] Breathe in Breathe out I’m not clean I’m not proud Breathe in Breathe out I’m still here On the ground Breathe in Breathe out No mask No show Breathe in Breathe out I don’t have to go [Verse 3] I open the door Just enough for the light Your face is all blurry But your voice is kind You don’t look disgusted You don’t turn away You just say my name Like it’s safe to say And I start crying harder But it doesn’t feel bad Like my body is giving back All that it had I thought the confession Was the ugliest part But maybe it’s the first clean thing Out of my heart [Final Chorus] So I say it Shaking still Not like magic Not like healed I hate myself I hate myself But I’m learning not to I hate myself I hate myself But I’m trying to tell the truth Then I say it Soft and strange Like my mouth Has learned a new shape I’m learning to love myself I’m learning to love myself I’m learning to love myself Even when I need help I’m learning to love myself I’m learning to love myself Not all at once But somewhere else [Outro] My chest is a tired room My hands start feeling like mine The ceiling stops bending The clock comes back to time You sit beside me We don’t say much Your shoulder is warm My breathing unstuck And I whisper it once So low I can barely tell I’m learning to love myself I’m learning to love myself