Stories with Cheddar 11- SwallowThis - Can You Believe That?

[Intro] [ambient background noise, distant chatter] So, I have—wow, that was a terrible beginning. Stop. Restart. That was stupid. [laughter] [Verse 1] All right, so, for real, that was dumb. [cello mimics a two-tone train horn with sliding double stops] Okay, stop. We're at the river one weekend. I had all the nieces with me. We're just splashing in the waves, trying to, you know how you do, like the [vocalizes train horn] 'wa-wa-wa-wa' because it's a train bridge, you're trying to get the trains to honk their horns and like 'wa-wa' blast it. All the girls are having a blast. And they're like, "Uncle Tyler, Uncle Tyler, can we come home to your house?" I'm like, "Fuck it, why not?" You know? I have a pool, trampoline, like you guys can hang out, it's fine. I always have all the nieces anyway. So they come over, they're jumping on the trampoline. [clears throat] Excuse me. [coughs] Wifey comes out of the house, she was making salads for everybody. She comes out, she's like, "Hey, there's some dude walking in the yard." I'm like, "What? Are you serious?" So I go out, I'm like, "Hey bro, what are you doing? You need help?" He charges me with a knife. Stabs me in the arm. Stabs me in the arm. [vocalizes rhythmic grunts] Mm, mm, mm. We can't, you know, break the rules around here, but dude left without his shoes. Went running down to my neighbor's house. I called him, I was like, "Heck, look out, this guy, he's hiding in your ditch." It was an illegal immigrant. Can you believe that? Like in the country, out here in the middle of Pennsylvania, in the middle of nowhere? It's crazy, man. Got stabbed, fucking duct taped my arm shut. It is what it is, you know? Scars.