[Intro] One fitted sheet… How hard can it be? I’ll show you how hard it can fucking be. [Verse 1] Ripped it from the dryer like it owed me blood Thought I had the upper hand, now I’m covered in mud Laid it on the bed like I’m starting a war One corner down and it’s already keeping score [Pre-Chorus] I grab the other side, teeth clenched in rage Elastic snaps back like it’s breaking its cage Now I’m on my knees, wrestling with the dead This piece of fabric’s laughing while it’s tearing off my head [Chorus] ELASTIC DEATHMATCH! I’LL RIP YOU IN HALF! YOU THINK YOU CAN BEAT ME? I’LL BURN YOU TO ASH! I TWIST AND I TUG AND I SCREAM OUT YOUR NAME THIS FITTED SHEET IS EVIL AND IT’S DRIVING ME INSANE! ELASTIC DEATHMATCH! I’M LOSING MY MIND! ELASTIC DEATHMATCH! THIS SHEET WANTS ME TO DIE! I FOLD AND I TUCK BUT IT ALWAYS FIGHTS BACK I’LL DESTROY YOU, YOU BASTARD — THIS IS A DEATHMATCH! [Verse 2] Got three corners locked, feeling like a god Then the fourth one slips and I’m covered in blood Now I’m wrapped in elastic like a body bag Choking on my rage while the corners all laugh I spin in a circle like a man possessed The sheet’s got a mind and it’s clearly obsessed I throw it on the floor and I stomp on its face It bounces back up just to put me in my place [Pre-Chorus] I’m sweating, I’m bleeding, I’m losing my grip This soft little demon has tightened its grip I used to be sane, I used to have pride Now I’m in a war with a sheet that wants me to die [Chorus] ELASTIC DEATHMATCH! I’LL RIP YOU IN HALF! YOU THINK YOU CAN BEAT ME? I’LL BURN YOU TO ASH! I TWIST AND I TUG AND I SCREAM OUT YOUR NAME THIS FITTED SHEET IS EVIL AND IT’S DRIVING ME INSANE! ELASTIC DEATHMATCH! I’M LOSING MY MIND! ELASTIC DEATHMATCH! THIS SHEET WANTS ME TO DIE! I FOLD AND I TUCK BUT IT ALWAYS FIGHTS BACK I’LL DESTROY YOU, YOU BASTARD — THIS IS A DEATHMATCH! [Bridge – Breakdown - Half-Time] You know what? Fine. You win. Take the bed. Take the room. Take my fucking sanity while you’re at it… [Screamed] I GIVE UP! NO — WAIT — I’LL KILL YOU INSTEAD! [Final Chorus – heavier, with gang vocals] ELASTIC DEATHMATCH! (Deathmatch!) I’LL TEAR OUT YOUR SEAMS! ELASTIC DEATHMATCH! (Deathmatch!) THIS ENDS IN YOUR DREAMS! I TRIED TO BE CIVIL BUT YOU PUSHED ME TOO FAR NOW I’M COMING FOR BLOOD IN THIS ELASTIC WAR! [Outro] (Spoken, completely broken and exhausted) …Next time I’m buying a goddamn flat sheet.
