[DJ Voice – overly cheerful, with canned applause] 🎙️ “Can’t sleep? Is it your back… or the crushing weight of your bad decisions? Either way, The Mattress Barn has you covered! Buy one, get one half-off—because nothing says true love like separate beds. Mattress Barn: where dreams are built… and sometimes broken.” ⸻ [Verse 1 – Doris, awkward, shy, with long pauses] 🎙️ “Uh… hi… it’s Doris. Um… we… have mattresses. They’re… soft. Some are… firm. Um… half-off. If your… partner snores… or leaves. …Mattress Barn.” ⸻ [Verse 1b – Moira, valley girl, reading off a crumpled napkin] 🎙️ “Like, hi—this is Moira, and, um… Mattress Barn is, like, totally a vibe. We got these, like, memory foams? That, like, remember you better than your ex. Buy one, get one half-off… which is, like… math or whatever.” ⸻ [Chorus – Doris & Moira, clashing voices, awkwardly harmonizing] 🎶 “Mattress Barn! Come lay down your pain… Mattress Barn! Free pillow with your shame. Springs that squeak, but love won’t last, Get your comfort… really fast.” 🎶 ⸻ [Verse 2 – Doris, fidgety, almost whispering] 🎙️ “Um… we deliver. Sometimes. If… Gary’s truck… starts. If not… you can, uh… bungee-cord it… to your car. We’ll help. Probably.” ⸻ [Verse 2b – Moira, still napkin-reading, deadpan valley girl] 🎙️ “So, like, don’t stress. We can, like, totally cram a California king into a Prius. My uncle did it once. True story. He, like, still can’t open the glove box but whatever.” ⸻ [Bridge – Doris whispering nervously] 🎙️ “Between us… some of these mattresses are… cursed. Like… one still smells like… my ex’s cologne. Or maybe it’s just… mold.” [Bridge – Moira cutting in, matter-of-factly] 🎙️ “Ew. Gross. But, like… half-off though? That’s kinda iconic.” ⸻ [Chorus – Doris & Moira again, off-key and uneven] 🎶 “Mattress Barn! Rest away your dread… Mattress Barn! Half-price for your bed. Where dreams are built, and sometimes broken, Mattress Baaarnnn…” 🎶 ⸻ [Verse 3 – Doris, mumbling like she’s embarrassed] 🎙️ “People cry in the showroom… Mostly… middle-aged men. We have tissues. And… waterbeds. They… jiggle.” [Verse 3b – Moira, perky valley girl improv] 🎙️ “Like, jiggly waterbeds are so retro. They’re, like, TikTok but for your spine. You’ll look hot crying on one. Just saying.” ⸻ [Final Chorus – Doris and Moira, falling apart into giggles] 🎶 “Mattress Barn! Don’t sleep on regret… Mattress Barn! Best deal you’ll ever get. Where dreams are built… and sometimes broken… Mattress Baaarnnn…” 🎶 ⸻ [Outro – DJ Voice, way too peppy] 🎙️ “Mattress Barn: now offering 36 months of financing, because debt is the comfiest mattress of all! Mattress Barn… sleep tight, America!”
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