The Celesta Half-Blood Prince of Passive-Aggression

Musical Comedy, Dark Cabaret, Cinematic Fantasy

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It’s stressful.

Here comes Potter with his scar and his glasses
He thinks he’s the king of all of my classes
You look like your father, a grandiose tool
Who hung me up high in the middle of school
But sure, catch the snitch, take all of the glory
While I’m the one fixing the plot of the story
I brew the Wolfsbane, I keep Remus tame
But nobody respects the Half-Blood name!

I’m the Double Agent, playing the game!
Voldemort’s crazy and Albus is lame!
One wants my mind and one wants me dead
And I’m just trying to grade what you read!

Ten points from Gryffindor! Get out of my sight!
Ten points from Gryffindor! You’re never right!
Your tie is crooked and your potion is sludge
I am the jury, the executioner, and judge!

Let’s talk about Dumbledore, isn't he grand?
With his twinkling eyes and his withered old hand.
He says "Severus, kill me, it’s part of the plan"
I said "Albus, you're crazy, you manipulative man!"
You put on a ring that was clearly a trap
Now I have to clean up your little mishap
You’re the smartest wizard the world’s ever seen
But you have the common sense of a deeply depressed teen!

People think I’m romantic.
"Always," I said. "Always."
Let’s unpack that.
I’ve been obsessed with a mom since I was eleven
I hope she is watching me down from... well, heaven.
I bully her son because I can't process grief
Sniffing her letters for some kind of relief.

That’s not love, kids.
That is unaddressed trauma and likely a restraining order violation.
It’s weird. I know it’s weird.

TURN TO PAGE THREE HUNDRED AND NINETY-FOUR!
Don't you dare walk out of that door!
I am a master of the Occlumency art
I can see the angst in your teenage heart!
Stop thinking of Weasleys! Stop thinking of sports!
I’m filing a grievance with the Ministry courts!
MY LIFE IS A NIGHTMARE!

So go ahead, Potter. Go have a ball.
Give Neville the points, let him win it all.
I’ll just be down here, avoiding the sun.
Being a hero isn't actually fun.
I'll sit in the dark with my regrets and my hate.

...And wash my hair.

2284/7500

They call me a villain, a bat in the gloom But try teaching potions in a crowded classroom. A grease-haired goth with a bad attitude? Maybe I’m just not in the mood. Have you ever tried teaching chemistry... To a room full of children holding loaded weapons? It’s stressful. Here comes Potter with his scar and his glasses He thinks he’s the king of all of my classes You look like your father, a grandiose tool Who hung me up high in the middle of school But sure, catch the snitch, take all of the glory While I’m the one fixing the plot of the story I brew the Wolfsbane, I keep Remus tame But nobody respects the Half-Blood name! I’m the Double Agent, playing the game! Voldemort’s crazy and Albus is lame! One wants my mind and one wants me dead And I’m just trying to grade what you read! Ten points from Gryffindor! Get out of my sight! Ten points from Gryffindor! You’re never right! Your tie is crooked and your potion is sludge I am the jury, the executioner, and judge! Let’s talk about Dumbledore, isn't he grand? With his twinkling eyes and his withered old hand. He says "Severus, kill me, it’s part of the plan" I said "Albus, you're crazy, you manipulative man!" You put on a ring that was clearly a trap Now I have to clean up your little mishap You’re the smartest wizard the world’s ever seen But you have the common sense of a deeply depressed teen! People think I’m romantic. "Always," I said. "Always." Let’s unpack that. I’ve been obsessed with a mom since I was eleven I hope she is watching me down from... well, heaven. I bully her son because I can't process grief Sniffing her letters for some kind of relief. That’s not love, kids. That is unaddressed trauma and likely a restraining order violation. It’s weird. I know it’s weird. TURN TO PAGE THREE HUNDRED AND NINETY-FOUR! Don't you dare walk out of that door! I am a master of the Occlumency art I can see the angst in your teenage heart! Stop thinking of Weasleys! Stop thinking of sports! I’m filing a grievance with the Ministry courts! MY LIFE IS A NIGHTMARE! So go ahead, Potter. Go have a ball. Give Neville the points, let him win it all. I’ll just be down here, avoiding the sun. Being a hero isn't actually fun. I'll sit in the dark with my regrets and my hate. ...And wash my hair.

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