The Ballad Of The Stornoway Squatter

Yee-haw, partner… Gather ’round the chatter. Got another chapter… ’Bout the Stornoway Squatter. ⸻ They say he rode a stallion Named Outrage N’ Complaint. Could smell a TV camera Before he smelled wet paint. They say he’d rope a headline From a hundred miles away. Still couldn’t find a toolbox At the break of day. Old-timers just kept grinnin’— “That RatFuck just gets louder…” (Crowd) THE STORNOWAY SQUATTER! ⸻ 🎵 He’s the… STORNOWAY SQUATTER! All hat! NO CATTLE! Big belt! SMALL SADDLE! Big speech! NO HAMMER! Yee-haw, partner— Gather ’round the chatter… Here comes… THE STORNOWAY SQUATTER! ⸻ They say he hit the campaign trail Before he’d punched a factory clock. Straight from school to Parliament— Never swung a fence-post block. Talks about the daily grind, The overtime n’ splatter… Never blistered up his hands— That’s the Stornoway Squatter. ⸻ A pension locked at thirty-one Before his real life had begun. He qualified while most folks wait Just trying to buy a house and gate. Talks about "austerity!" Talks about “tightening YOUR belt!” Funny how that shitty demogogue Never fixed what others felt. (Crowd) ALL HAT! NO CATTLE! Four-year degree took ‘bout ten, Finished online— (pause best) “amen!” Straight to Ottawa ridin’, Skipped the shift again. Now he’s grading everybody, Who’s elite and who’s a fool. Never heard a factory siren… Still he’s runnin’ trade school. Talks about the morning grind. Talks about the working class. Punches every talking point… Never punched a timecard. Long on outrage. Short on answers. (Crowd) ALL HAT! NO CATTLE! THE STORNOWAY SQUATTER! Yee-haw, partner— Gather ’round the chatter. Got another chapter ’Bout the Stornoway Squatter. Hat got taller. BS splatter. Every answer’s louder— Never seems to matter. Click. Share. Repeat. That’s his campaign beat. Grievance lasso. Sound-bite saddle. Round and round— No truth. New look. “Boots, not suits!” New costume. Same hate hook. Photo op. Coffee shop. Sleeves rolled up. Camera—stop. Shake a hand. Kick some dirt. Try another denim shirt. Flog cheap merch. Work the crowd. Dog whistles… Getting loud. (Crowd starts chanting:) Wrong boys! Wrong noise! Funny who keeps Showing up to cheer them ugly “Proud Boys!” ALL HAT! NO CATTLE! THE STORNOWAY SQUATTER! ⸻ They say OilBerta Bought a Texas starter kit. Chrome-plated belt buckle— Thought that settled it. Bought the boots Before the ranch. Bought the slogan Before the plan. Real prairie folks Know the score— You mend the gate Before you roar. Tories claim to sheds a tear for those without a bed, Then slash social funding for the corporate class instead. But The Riding Squatter’s furious that our Sussex needs a fixed-up, repaired roof, While Tories feed crony kickbacks n’ deny any proof. They say he found a press event That couldn’t go off-script. Tiny wagons. Tiny boots. Tiny photo-op trip. Wave ’em left. Wave ’em right. Smile a little broader. Hard to get a follow-up From a teenager! Camera click. Campaign chatter. Kid starts cryin’— “Blame the budget!” Yelled that Stornoway Squatter! ⸻ Lead: Who’s all hat? Crowd: NO CATTLE! Lead: Who’s got another SNEER? Crowd: THE STORNOWAY SQUATTER! Lead: Who’s cosplays A Responsible Man? Crowd: THE STORNOWAY SQUATTER! Lead: WHO PAYS HIS BILLS? Crowd: NOT THAT STORNOWAY SQUATTER! ⸻ They say every few years He finds another look. New boots. New jeans. New hook. New boots, same old chatter, New apples, same old patter. A brand new suit to flatter, But the facts don't matter. Old-timers tip their hats… “Who PAYS for That Stornoway Squatter?” ⸻ 🎵 [ghost train country vibe:] They say he rides through every town With another brand-new blame. If fixing’ things was rodeo, He’d never rope the game. Called racist tropes “fiscal action” Lost his saddle! Lost his seat! Still found himself a mansion. Now Ridin’ fences ’round Parliament, His slurs are media chatter. Won’t patch the roof at Sussex! Won’t patch a single rafter! If YOUR roof starts leak’n, Don’t go askin’ that fella— He’s too busy ridin’ fences, (Crowd) THAT Stornoway Squatter!