Nice. Gremlin news hour energy. Let’s make it sound like a theme song he could actually open a stream with. ⸻ “Everyone Is Garbage (Good Morning!)” [Intro – spoken/sung] Welcome back, my beautiful disasters, Grab your coffee, grab your coping mechanisms… Let’s check what’s on fire today. [Verse 1] Woke up, doomscroll, thumbs already sore The world’s on Level 9, I’m on Level 4 Politicians yelling, brands pretend to care Some guy’s livestream fighting in his underwear Every headline reads like parody I missed Every take is “actually…” with a passive-aggressive twist I refresh the feed like it’s holy scripture It’s just the same three idiots in a different picture [Pre-Chorus] I’m not above it, I’m in it, I am the mess Judge from my chair in my pajama dress Halo crooked, coffee-stained Alright, kids, sing the refrain— [Chorus] 🎵 Good morning, everyone is garbage, even me Shiny hot compost on your phone in 1080p We’re laughing in the landfill, welcome to the stream Where the takes are all unhinged And the morals are… “it depends,” it seems Good morning, everybody’s awful, it’s okay We’ll recycle all our sins into content for the day If you’re feeling kinda rotten, sing along and you’ll see: Everyone is garbage, And that sets us free. 🎵 ⸻ [Verse 2] Guy on TikTok selling miracle truth Sponsored by anxiety and whitening your tooth Breaking news: someone said a Thing last night We’ll debate it for a week, then forget it by tonight You’re a mess, I’m a mess, but at least we’re self-aware We put ethics in the cart, then never click “prepare” Every side certain that they’re pure and clean Standing knee-deep in the same latrine [Pre-Chorus 2] But don’t you worry, don’t you fret We haven’t hit rock bottom on the internet… yet Pull up a chair, pour serotonin lite We’re roasting all of us live tonight [Chorus] 🎵 Good morning, everyone is garbage, even me Certified recyclable hypocrisy We’re dancing in the dumpster like it’s MTV With a ring light on our therapy Good morning, everybody’s awful, that’s the bit If the shoe of shame is trending, yeah, it probably fits We’re all cringe, we’re all wrong, but at least we agree: Everyone is garbage, Collectively. 🎵 ⸻ [Bridge] (soft, mock-sincere) Here’s to the ones in the comments Typing “actually” for free Here’s to the guy with three followers Calling for “accountability” Here’s to the parasocial spouses And the micro-fame we chase Here’s to me, live on camera Wiping egg off my own face (build up) No saints, no kings, no chosen ones Just flawed mid people with opinions and thumbs ⸻ [Breakdown – call & response] Scott/host: Who’s garbage? Chat: We’re garbage! Scott/host: Who else? Chat: Also you, dude! Scott/host: Correct. [Beat hits] ⸻ [Final Chorus – bigger, last one] 🎵 Good morning, everyone is garbage, even me Streaming live from the world’s worst family tree We’re laughing so we don’t cry on the count of three Spam the chat with your depravity Good morning, everybody’s awful, that’s our song But if we’re all this broken, maybe no one’s “wrong” So we’ll roast ourselves to the power of three: You, and me, and the whole damn feed— Everyone is garbage… [Tag] …and that’s what makes this Appointment viewing TV. (sting)
