[Intro: Industrial nu-metal guitar chugs, funky bass, turntable scratches] [Gary: Spoken, casually] So Brenda called me up last weekend. Got some holes that needed filling. I told her not to worry. I had just the thing. My big caulk. Professional grade. Anyway... [Verse 1] Gary rolled up Saturday, quarter after two Toolbox in the back, got a little work to do Brenda's got some bathroom cracks, a leak behind the wall Gary's got a special tool that'll take care of them all Dragged a monster tube inside, barely cleared the door Professional equipment, been using it since '04 Steve looked at the hardware, then he looked at Gary's grin Wondered what the hell he'd gotten himself in [Internal Dialogue: Steve] Okay, that's a pretty big tube Didn't know they made 'em that size Why's he holding it like a trophy? Why's he making eye contact? [Internal Dialogue: Melissa] Oh my God, that's his caulk It's bigger than the toolbox Why's he so damn proud of it? Why's he taking off his socks? [Verse 2] Brenda pointed at the shower, there's an opening to repair Gary reached down toward his belt, everybody stopped and stared [Everyone] GARY?! [Gary] MY TOOL BELT, YOU FUCKING WEIRDOS! Loaded up the applicator, got the nozzle trimmed just right Squeezed a little on the tile, admired the perfect stripe "Look at that beautiful bead, that's how you get it done!" Trevor backed away slowly, wondering where he could run [Internal Dialogue: Trevor] A bead? He called it a bead? Why is it so thick? WHY IS HE SHOWING US?! [Pre-Chorus] "Gary, man, just stop explaining!" "What the fuck is wrong with you?" "I'm talking about the bathroom!" "IT'S INDUSTRIAL SILICONE, DUDE!" [Chorus] "WHY IS GARY SHOWING EVERYBODY HIS BIG CAULK?!" Massive fucking tube, taking up the hallway wall "WHY'S HE TALKING ABOUT THE LENGTH?!" "WHY'S HE SAYING IT'S GOT STRENGTH?!" "YOU GOTTA SQUEEZE IT NICE AND SLOW!" "GET IT IN THE GAP AND LET IT FLOW!" Everybody's losing their minds in the back Gary just yelled: "WHO WANTS TO SEE MY CAULK?!" [Verse 3] Chad pointed at the tube, "How long you had that thing?" "Ninety-four, still works like new, got plenty left to bring!" Melissa asked, "Doesn't it get hard?" "Eventually, yeah!" "That's why you cap the fucking end when you put it away!" "How much can that thing hold?" "Depends on which gun!" Steve covered up his face "WE'RE NOT EVEN FUCKING DONE?!" Gary hit the kitchen, found a crack along the tile "This one's gonna take a while, but I got the proper style" Squeezed until the whole damn gap was overflowing white Stood back, admired his work: "NOW THAT'S A FUCKING SIGHT!" [Internal Dialogue: Amanda] I came here to help paint This was supposed to be a normal renovation Why's he got three more tubes? WHY IS ONE LABELED EXTRA THICK?! [Internal Dialogue: Melissa] He's been doing this since '94 He knows exactly what he's doing I hate that I know that [Pre-Chorus] "Gary, please, enough!" "What? There's still a crack!" "PUT THE GUN DOWN!" "I GOTTA GET THE BACK!" [Chorus] "WHY IS GARY SHOWING EVERYBODY HIS BIG CAULK?!" Massive fucking tube, taking up the hallway wall "WHY'S HE TALKING ABOUT THE LENGTH?!" "WHY'S HE SAYING IT'S GOT STRENGTH?!" "YOU GOTTA SQUEEZE IT NICE AND SLOW!" "GET IT IN THE GAP AND LET IT FLOW!" Everybody's losing their minds in the back Gary just yelled: "WHO WANTS TO SEE MY CAULK?!" [Bridge: Escalating Insanity] [Internal Dialogue: Steve] It's just construction. It's just construction. It's just construction. [Internal Dialogue: Chad] WHY DOES HE HAVE A SECOND GUN?! [Internal Dialogue: Brenda] I ONLY ASKED HIM TO FIX THE SHOWER! [Internal Dialogue: Little Cousin Derek] Honestly? That's a pretty impressive caulking job. [Internal Dialogue: Gary's Dog] He licked the excess off the nozzle. I have never seen anything like it. [Sound Effects: Industrial percussion] SQUEEZE! SQUEEZE! SQUEEZE! Gary's filling every crack in the house! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! There's white stuff all over the bathroom! [Internal Dialogue: Drunk Guy] Hey Gary... Can you fill that hole over there? [Gary] WHICH ONE?! [Drunk Guy] The one in the wall! [Gary] WELL POINT TO IT, YOU FUCKING IDIOT! [Breakdown: Heavy downtuned guitars] BIG CAULK! BIG GUN! THIRTY YEARS! NEVER DONE! FILL THAT GAP! SEAL THAT CRACK! IF IT LEAKS! I'LL BE BACK! [Final Chorus] "WHY IS GARY SHOWING EVERYBODY HIS BIG CAULK?!" Neighbors called the cops, he's filling up the hall "WHY'S HE GOT ANOTHER TUBE?!" "WHY'S HE SAYING IT'S BRAND NEW?!" "This one's got a different kind of flow!" "High-performance silicone, that's the one to know!" Brenda screamed, "JUST FINISH THE FUCKING BATH!" Gary roared: "YOU CAN'T RUSH A QUALITY CAULKING JOB!" [Final Hit] [Everyone] GARY! PUT THE CAULK AWAY! [Gary: Spoken, genuinely confused] What? I'm not finished with the basement. [Brief Silence] [Gary, quietly] There's some pretty big holes down there. [End]
