Drag Race at Turtle Creek

bluegrass, 1970s folk, bluegrass/old-time folk (clawhammer banjo, fiddle double-stops)

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[Mandolin solo]

[Chorus]
He said, “I thought you said a drag race tonight!”
Fake lashes a-flutterin’ under the floodlights.
One turtle burnin’ rubber, one servin’ pure class,
Both movin’ so slow they got passed by the grass.
By the time they crossed that finish line, son,
The fans had packed up and gone from the turtle drag race.

[Verse 2]
Slim Jim sputtered, “Boy, this ain’t what I meant!”
Rufus smiled sweetly, “Honey, bless your heart, repent.”
He touched up his blush with a sassy side glare,
While Earl waved the flag from his old foldin’ chair.
Engines roared loud… or more like a wheeze,
Sounded like emphysema lost in the breeze.
A snail yelled “Punch it!” from the side of the track,
Then passed both turtles with a pack on his back.

[Steel guitar solo]

[Chorus]
He said, “I thought you said a drag race tonight!”
Now struttin’ the dirt in sequins so bright.
One turtle shiftin’ gears, one voguin’ for cash,
Both movin’ so slow that mold grew on the ass, fault.
By the time they crossed that finish line, son,
The kegs had gone dry at the turtle drag race.

[Bridge]
Kids all got sleepy, families headed home,
A raccoon stole coolers and left Styrofoam.
Moon came up high, later out came the sun,
Them turtles hadn’t finished half the run.
Preacher Johnson packed up and wearily sighed,
“I’ve seen glaciers with way more hustle and stride.”
Rufus stopped halfway to help a possum in need,
Pick out a necklace to match his new beads.

[Verse 3]
By mid-day Slim Jim finally crawled into the lead,
At half a mile per fiscal quarter speed.
Rufus blew kisses and straightened his hem,
Said, “Winning means nothin’ when you're proper and prim.”
They crossed the line to an empty grandstand,
Just one drunk raccoon slow-clappin’ both hands.
Earl gave Rufus the “Miss Turtle Creek” sash,
Slim Jim took home fourteen dollars in cash.

[Upright bass solo]

[Final Chorus]
He said, “I thought you said a drag race tonight!”
Still looked flawless there in the evenin’ light.
One turtle exhausted, one flawless in grace,
Both legends forever at Turtle Creek Raceway.
Nobody stayed long enough to witness the chase,
But history was made at the turtle drag race.

[Outro]
(Banjo picking slower… slower… slower…)
(Kazoo slowly fades out with a pathetic whine)

2696/7500

[Verse 1] Down at Turtle Creek on a Saturday night, Folks dragged out lawn chairs, beer, and bug-zapper lights. Big Earl hollered, “Boys, this race is all about speed!” Which for turtles still meant it could last a whole week. Slim Jim Shelby showed up in a shell painted red, With flames on the side and a spoiler on his head. Then Rufus rolled up and the whole crowd near died, High heels, bright lipstick, and a polka-dot hide. [Mandolin solo] [Chorus] He said, “I thought you said a drag race tonight!” Fake lashes a-flutterin’ under the floodlights. One turtle burnin’ rubber, one servin’ pure class, Both movin’ so slow they got passed by the grass. By the time they crossed that finish line, son, The fans had packed up and gone from the turtle drag race. [Verse 2] Slim Jim sputtered, “Boy, this ain’t what I meant!” Rufus smiled sweetly, “Honey, bless your heart, repent.” He touched up his blush with a sassy side glare, While Earl waved the flag from his old foldin’ chair. Engines roared loud… or more like a wheeze, Sounded like emphysema lost in the breeze. A snail yelled “Punch it!” from the side of the track, Then passed both turtles with a pack on his back. [Steel guitar solo] [Chorus] He said, “I thought you said a drag race tonight!” Now struttin’ the dirt in sequins so bright. One turtle shiftin’ gears, one voguin’ for cash, Both movin’ so slow that mold grew on the ass, fault. By the time they crossed that finish line, son, The kegs had gone dry at the turtle drag race. [Bridge] Kids all got sleepy, families headed home, A raccoon stole coolers and left Styrofoam. Moon came up high, later out came the sun, Them turtles hadn’t finished half the run. Preacher Johnson packed up and wearily sighed, “I’ve seen glaciers with way more hustle and stride.” Rufus stopped halfway to help a possum in need, Pick out a necklace to match his new beads. [Verse 3] By mid-day Slim Jim finally crawled into the lead, At half a mile per fiscal quarter speed. Rufus blew kisses and straightened his hem, Said, “Winning means nothin’ when you're proper and prim.” They crossed the line to an empty grandstand, Just one drunk raccoon slow-clappin’ both hands. Earl gave Rufus the “Miss Turtle Creek” sash, Slim Jim took home fourteen dollars in cash. [Upright bass solo] [Final Chorus] He said, “I thought you said a drag race tonight!” Still looked flawless there in the evenin’ light. One turtle exhausted, one flawless in grace, Both legends forever at Turtle Creek Raceway. Nobody stayed long enough to witness the chase, But history was made at the turtle drag race. [Outro] (Banjo picking slower… slower… slower…) (Kazoo slowly fades out with a pathetic whine)

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