FEMALE: So... this is nice. Suspiciously nice, actually. There are three forks, crystal glasses, and I'm pretty sure the napkin has a higher credit score than I do. Please tell me you didn't choose this place because you thought I expected fancy. MALE: Not exactly. I panicked. I searched "romantic restaurant," saw chandeliers, and booked before common sense could intervene. There was another place with fewer forks, but by then I was committed. FEMALE: That's strangely adorable. Terrible decision-making, but adorable. I would've been happy with burgers. Judging by the appetizer, I may still need one. Oh, wow. A leaf. Singular. They put one leaf on a plate and gave it emotional significance. MALE: Be respectful. That leaf probably has a résumé. At this price, it attended a very expensive university. Besides, you're having fun. I can tell because you've only insulted the restaurant four times. FEMALE: I'm still evaluating you. I planned to remain mysterious for at least forty-five minutes, so don't get comfortable. MALE: You told me about your childhood hamster before we ordered water. The mystery had a short but meaningful life. And since we're apparently sharing secrets, I've been nervous about tonight all week. FEMALE: You don't look nervous. MALE: I changed shirts four times, watched a video about wine, understood none of it, and spent twenty minutes choosing socks that made me look emotionally stable. I chose dinosaurs. The sharks felt reckless. FEMALE: Clearly the mature choice. All right, wine expert. Impress me. What are we tasting? MALE: I'm getting... grapes. Definitely grapes. Maybe a subtle hint of expensive regret. FEMALE: Remarkable. A true sommelier. Weirdly, I'm relieved you didn't pretend to know what you're doing. MALE: Honestly, I've done enough pretending tonight. I picked this place because I wanted to impress you. And I'm nervous because I really like you. More than I planned to. FEMALE: Okay. You cannot drop actual feelings between the appetizer leaf and emotionally unstable wine. But... I really like you too. I have for a while. MALE: Really? Because I prepared three possible endings for tonight, and this was the wildly optimistic one. Another involved me pretending I suddenly enjoy jogging. FEMALE: Absolutely not. I refuse to be responsible for cardio. Your face is getting unbearably happy, though. MALE: I can't help it. The woman I like just admitted she likes me while we're sharing the world's most expensive houseplant. FEMALE: Oh no. Dinner got smaller. There are three peas. How much is this costing you? MALE: I think discussing the bill before we're emotionally committed could damage our relationship. FEMALE: Good news. We finish this tiny sculpture, pay the terrifying bill, and go get burgers. MALE: Are you asking me on a second date before the first one's over? FEMALE: I'm asking you to eat an actual meal with me. Interpret that however you want. MALE: Saturday. Seven. Burgers. Dinosaur socks included. Can I hold your hand when we leave, or does that require paperwork? FEMALE: Normally three business days. But... I can expedite it. You're buying the fries. MALE: Deal.
