I Was Almost There

I knew the training yard by sunrise dust on stone, and salt in air girls with knees gone red from falling And pretending not to care Every year I stole a corner every chance the guards forgot wooden sword behind my shoulder heart already running hot When the instructor made them taste earth when their pride was in their hair she said falling was not failure not while sisters found you there “When one falls?” she asked like thunder “Lift her!” rose from everywhere I knew the answer before they did I was almost there I was almost there, Mother I was almost there Seven days from dust and fire seven days from prayer All my life I ran toward morning all my breath became a dare I was almost there, Mother I was almost there I knew the stairs the palace buried doors that opened into blue market-cries and copper bracelets salt-plums split and shining through I knew the kelp forests under noonlight green-gold ladders in the sea where my body had no title and the water never bowed to me I came back laughing, hair full of sun sand and secrets on my skin every wall a thing to climb once every locked gate asking when I was almost there, Mother I was almost there Seven days from dust and fire seven days from prayer All my life I ran toward morning all my breath became a dare I was almost there, Mother I was almost there I thought I’d cross the red wastes singing sash tied bright against the storm stand where blue lights burned like omens keep the frightened children warm I thought the far gates would know my footfall someone calling out my name not for crowns or court or silk-work but because the danger came I thought I’d come home scarred and shining older than my fourteen years strong enough to make you proud of every road that brought me here I thought you wanted me that strong, Mother I thought that was the dare I was almost there Then you came with peace in your hands as if peace had never cut anyone No more daughters under black veils No more patrols where sand dreams wrong No more ships burned black on trade routes No more mothers’ grieving songs I understood you, Mother That was the cruelest part You said, “The world will teach you pain no sword can answer.” I heard the dead beneath your mercy I heard the names you would not say But if I stay behind these walls, what was all my rising for? I was almost there, Mother I was almost there You gave me peace like mercy You gave me love like air You gave me every life you saved and asked me to become the prayer But I was almost there, Mother I was almost there Then bells came through the city gates road-dust braided in their hems foreign songs and painted stories news from where the sunrise ends They carried jewels from other kingdoms Dancers turning in the air myth and laughter, ballads, glory freedom walking through the square I had promised I would serve you I had sworn that I would stay Then the road looked back and knew me and so I turned my face away I am not ungrateful, Mother I am not a girl untrue I know how many lives you saved I know what this cost you But the life you won to spare me is a life I cannot wear I was almost there, Mother I was almost there You said the world would teach me pain no sword can answer Then let me learn it standing, Mother Let me meet it standing there I was almost there, Mother I was almost there Seven days from dust and fire seven days from prayer All my life I ran toward morning all my breath became a dare I was almost there, Mother I was almost there I will carry what you gave me I will carry what you fear But the road has called me by my name and I can’t answer here I was almost there, Mother I was almost there