[Intro] I have a peculiar relationship with probability A statistically offensive incompatibility With every useful opportunity My dice develop selective hostility I play Dungeons and Dragons I roll with optimism Then watch mathematics personally betray me [Verse 1] I need to hit something Natural one I need to dodge something Natural one I need to perform the task That my character was specifically designed to accomplish The dice respond with profound indifference But give me a completely ridiculous situation And suddenly probability becomes my closest ally I have a weapon A perfectly functional gun A beautiful mechanical solution And somehow I decide Yes Barehanded combat Natural twenty Of course I have ammunition I have range I have every rational advantage But apparently my character's true destiny Is punching somebody directly in the face [Chorus] I am losing dice But never when it would make sense They bless the most absurd decisions And curse the ones that would be sensible Give me a stupid idea I will roll phenomenally Give me an intelligent plan And watch probability abandon me My dice possess a sense of comedy More refined than my own They wait until the worst possible moment Then hand me a twenty [Verse 2] One time I had to resist mind control Now ordinarily That would be a terrifying situation A moment demanding concentration Mental fortitude And perhaps a little intellectual sophistication Unfortunately I was playing a character With approximately no intellect This character was not designed For psychological resistance This character was barely designed For remembering why he entered a room The dice saw this And apparently considered it hilarious Natural twenty I resisted the mind control My intellectually deficient character Suddenly discovered an impenetrable fortress Inside his skull The universe itself whispered You will not understand this spell But you will resist it perfectly [Pre Chorus] I do not control my luck My luck controls me And it has a deeply questionable sense of humor [Chorus] I am losing dice But never when it would make sense They bless the most absurd decisions And curse the ones that would be sensible Give me a stupid idea I will roll phenomenally Give me an intelligent plan And watch probability abandon me My dice possess a sense of comedy More refined than my own They wait until the worst possible moment Then hand me a twenty [Verse 3] I have learned not to celebrate When the dice begin behaving Because that only means Something ridiculous is about to happen I could prepare for an encounter Research the enemy Construct a sophisticated tactical maneuver Coordinate the entire party Then roll a three But someone suggests We should probably do something incredibly stupid And suddenly Natural twenty It is not luck It is narrative sabotage My dice are not random They are theatrical They understand irony They understand timing They understand exactly when success Would be least appropriate They are not trying to help me win They are trying to make the story funny [Bridge] So I keep rolling Because somewhere beneath the failures There is always another twenty It just will not arrive When I need it It will arrive When I have absolutely no business succeeding And honestly That might be worse [Final Chorus] I am losing dice But somehow I keep surviving Every terrible decision Every statistically improbable improvisation Give me a weapon I will use my fists Give me intelligence I will misunderstand the premise Give me mind control With an unintelligent character And suddenly I become mentally indestructible My dice possess a sense of comedy And I am their favorite performer Every failure builds the legend Every twenty makes it stranger I do not roll well I roll appropriately For the funniest possible outcome [Outro] So here I am Another campaign Another character Another set of questionable decisions I raise the dice I make my roll And whatever happens next Was apparently what the story wanted
