[Intro] Here we go again... Matt's looking at the credit card bill like I ordered all this stuff. Baby... I don't even have thumbs. [Verse 1] You bought me pretty, brought me home, Said, "Girl, you've got everything." That lasted maybe two weekends 'Til you started upgrading. New graph on the console, Then another up front, Better pictures of the largemouth That still won't bite your junk. Mega Live showed up, Target Lock came next, Another box on the porch— What did you expect? Now you're staring at the statement Like I've somehow done you wrong. Don't look at me, baby. I was in the garage all along. [Chorus] I ain't the expensive one, You're the man with the card. I'm just sitting here looking pretty While you make this fishing hard. You click "buy," Then blame me When that bill comes rolling in. I ain't asked for half this stuff— But since it's here... Go bolt it in. I ain't the expensive one, Don't put that mess on me. I'm just your Crooked Hooker, You're the one supporting me. [Verse 2] "This one's necessary." That's your favorite little phrase. Funny how "necessary" Changes every couple days. Better batteries for the graphs, Better mounts to hold 'em tight, Better wiring 'cause apparently Electricity ain't flowing right. Another rod. Another reel. Another crankbait color too. Tackle boxes full of things Those largemouth won't chew. Then you stand there looking puzzled, "Where'd all my money go?" Sweetheart... Check your order history. I already know. [Chorus] I ain't the expensive one, You're the man with the card. I'm just sitting here looking pretty While you make this fishing hard. You click "buy," Then blame me When that bill comes rolling in. I ain't asked for half this stuff— But since it's here... Go bolt it in. I ain't the expensive one, Let's get one thing understood: You keep buying expensive things Because I make 'em look good. [Verse 3] And don't start with, "Can fishing pay for fishing?" We've been over this. You catch one good largemouth, Then spend three hundred dollars To celebrate. That's not revenue, Matt. That's a condition. You call it "investment," I call it Tuesday night. You find another fishing gadget, Suddenly the price seems right. Research it for three hours, Swear you're only gonna look, Then I hear that checkout sound— Baby, you're already hooked. Then when the box gets delivered, I'm the reason that you bought it? No. You wanted it. I'm just conveniently shaped For you to bolt it onto. [Bridge] Did I order the So-licks? Nope. Mega Live? Wasn't me. Target Lock? I can't type. All those rods? Please. Another tackle order? Matt... And whatever's in that box You just hid behind the truck? Bring it over here. Let's see what we got. [Verse 4] Truth is, I don't mind it. I kinda like being spoiled. Keep my tank full of gasoline And my prop down in the water. Keep my screens glowing, Keep my deck looking clean. Keep chasing that next little thing You swear is all we need. Monday through Friday You're thinking about me. Saturday morning We're where we oughta be. Largemouth in the grass, Smallmouth when we roam, Another stupid story For us to carry home. So spend it if you want to, Just quit blaming me for fun. You built this monster, baby. I ain't the expensive one. [Final Chorus] I ain't the expensive one, You're the man with the card. I'm just a Crooked Hooker Trying to do my part. You buy the toys, I'll wear 'em. You buy the fuel, I'll run. You find the fish, I'll get you there— What happens next is on you, hon. When somebody asks you Where all your money's gone... Don't point at your Crooked Hooker. Baby... Check who's holding the card.
