ALL THIS DATING COSTS SO MUCH! [Intro: rubbery funk bass, cowbell, outrageously serious male voice] I wore the nice trousers. The ones with three buttons, Critically speaking, financially drippin' That was going to be my peak, man. [Verse 1] Met a girl named Chardonnay, Took her out on Friday night. (werd) Waiter brought a single scallop Underneath a tiny light. “Is that dinner?” “That’s the preview.” Then he rang a little gong. Twenty bucks to sniff a mushroom— Forty if you sniff too long. (zis eez zee mowlecularr fusion shiitake raspberry sorbet. Take a whiff. that's enough!) [Chorus: big ridiculous harmonies] All this dating costs so much! I’m paying interest on a blush! She said, “Take me somewhere fancy”— Now I’m bankrupt in a tux! (aw, crap) Sold my L.P.s for garlic bread, My car for half a duck! Love is blind, but Visa isn’t— All this dating costs so much! (please, may I suggest the most expensive wine on zee meneww?) [Verse 2] Next date wanted something simple: “Just a picnic! Just us two!” Brought a blanket and some sandwiches— Then a helicopter flew through. (it landed on our spot!) Out jumped three commandos, Each equipped with a bassoon. One announced, “She needs to be serenaded! if you don't, your family tree is doomed!" Then they billed me for the moon. [Break: bassoon solo, deeply inappropriate confidence] [Spoken] I can't afford G T A 6? (aw crap) [Chorus] All this dating costs so much! I'm living in my car. Had to pawn my good harmonica this shit has gone too far. Sold my shoes for tiramisu, My belt for a baguette. Now my trousers need a sponsor— how crazy can this get? All this dating costs so much! [Bridge: whispered choir, cash register percussion] Swipe left—free! Swipe right—fee! Cupid’s repossessing me! They’ve impounded both my kidneys! There’s a lien upon my spleen! And a very stern accountant Where my butterflies have been! [Verse 3: triumphant] Then I met a girl named Brenda, Said, “This fancy stuff is crap.” We ate beans behind a bowling alley, Shared a pudding on her lap. When she kissed me, bells were ringing! What a beautiful surprise! Then a goose approached our blanket With a card marked FRANCHISE. [Music stops] [Spoken, appalled] I just need to get laid. [Final chorus: gospel choir, bassoons, financial collapse] All this dating costs so much! chefs, sommelier, valet, d.j., server, toilet spritz dude all demand a cut! uber super duper maybe I can avoid a paid lot. We got charged a corkage fee and the gratuity was included but not itemized on the bill. it's a shill. I'm not chill, I could *bleep* some mother *bleep*ing *bleep* with chop sticks, bitch. get rich quick scheme is a dream. Now I'm naked— They repossessed the tux! Brenda, grab the good lasagna and make a run for it! [Break] RUN, MY LOVE! THE BUFFET WAS ALL WE CAN EAT! BUT.... YEAH. [Outro: distant honking] [Spoken] We’re keeping the breadsticks.
