Why Are You Looking at Me?

[Verse 1] There’s a man out on the balcony He’s smoking there again He watches all the passing cars And everybody coming in Leaning halfway off the railing Like the neighborhood’s his show I only stepped outside a minute— How does he always know? There’s a woman with a spotted dog Built like a dairy cow I call it “Spotted Fucking Cow” It seems appropriate somehow They lumber past my window At approximately three The dog can barely mind its business— Why can’t she do the same for me? [Pre-Chorus] Every curtain has an eyeball Every balcony a spy I’m only trying to mind my business So would everybody kindly— [Chorus] Why are you looking at me? Haven’t you got somewhere to be? Every window, porch and doorway Has somebody watching me Why are you looking at me? Go find something better to see I don’t spend my whole day watching you— Well... Not intentionally [Wild Violin Flourish] [Verse 2] There’s a man who checks his motorcar As though it might escape He comes outside, looks all around Then slams the door and waits Twenty minutes, there he is again Another slam, another stare Whatever drama lives inside Apparently follows him out there Then Sugar’s human spots me And here comes question twenty-three While Sugar stands on little sticks That frankly bother me to see She knows who moved, who parked, who visited Who left and who came in I’d tell you everything she told me— But then I’d sound a bit like her [Chorus] Why are you looking at me? Haven’t you got somewhere to be? Every window, porch and doorway Has somebody watching me Why are you looking at me? Go find something better to see I don’t spend my whole day watching you— Well... Not intentionally [Fast, Aggressive Violin Break] [Verse 3] There’s a grocery clerk in uniform With his yellow work vest bright He drags a wagon round the circle Morning, afternoon and night He left again at seven-ten Came back at seven-thirty-three I don’t keep track of anybody— So why’s everybody watching me? Then Mister Half-a-Lap appears In workout shorts once more He marches halfway round the circle Then turns around for home I’ve never seen him finish one Not Tuesday, rain or heat Not that I’ve been keeping records— That would obviously be weird [Long Virtuosic Violin Solo] [Verse 4] The pajama girls are out again With gentlemen of dubious class I smelled the skunk before I saw them— Oh, lovely. They’re smoking grass Then there’s one I call Grandma Huffing, puffing toward her car Every trip’s an expedition Though she isn’t going far I’m half expecting, “I’ve fallen! And I cannot get back up!” Someone get her Life Alert— Before she holds up traffic And Cyclops guards the glass door With his one good eye on me Never sets a paw outside But somehow runs security [Playful Violin and Piano Break] [Bridge] Perhaps I’m being paranoid Perhaps they’re perfectly benign Perhaps the smoker isn’t staring Every single fucking time Perhaps Sugar’s human doesn’t Catalogue my every day Perhaps the grocery clerk has somewhere He occasionally earns his pay Perhaps the slamming car door Is a perfectly normal thing— [CAR DOOR SLAM] ...There it goes again. [Frantic Virtuosic Violin Solo] [Instrumental abruptly softens] [Crystle, spoken] Wait. Is she seriously letting that dog shit on my porch? [Pause] Goddammit. Not again. [Violin erupts] [Breakdown] I don’t watch the balcony I don’t watch the street I couldn’t tell you who comes home Or precisely when they leave I certainly don’t know Who came back at seven-thirty-three [Pause] So could you all Stop Looking At me? [Final Chorus] Why are you looking at me? Haven’t you got somewhere to be? Every window, porch and doorway Has somebody watching me Why are you looking at me? Go find something better to see I don’t spend my whole day watching you— I have better things to do [Violin immediately contradicts her] [Outro] Balcony smoker’s out again Sugar’s coming up the street The grocery clerk has got his wagon Cyclops has his eye on me Pajama girls have company Someone slammed a car door twice And Half-a-Lap is turning back— [Pause] Of course he is. [Long, increasingly frantic virtuosic violin outro]