The Happiness Machine

[Intro — cheerful jingle over a relentless mechanical pulse] Are you tired of being tired? Are you sad about being sad? Does your happiness take effort? Well, friend— We've got a little something For that. [Machine clicks on] INTRODUCING— THE HAPPINESS MACHINE! [Verse 1 — slick salesman delivery, clipped and rhythmic] Do you wake up disappointed? Do you dread the daily grind? Does the world keep inconveniencing That beautiful little mind? Are you troubled by your neighbors? Are you frightened by the news? Does your wife keep asking questions When you've got nothing left to lose? Well, step right up! Plug right in! Let the good times begin! No more waiting! No more weather! No more pulling yourself together! [Pre-Chorus — robotic backing voices] Press one for pleasure. Press two for peace. Press three to make the wanting cease. Press four for the feeling That everything's fine. Press five to discontinue The passage of time. [Chorus — bright, catchy, aggressively commercial] HAPPINESS! RIGHT AT HOME! Never feel another thing alone! HAPPINESS! CLEAN AND BRIGHT! Never have a bad day, day or night! Push the button! Pull the lever! Make yourself feel better forever! HAPPINESS! GUARANTEED! Some restrictions may apply. [Verse 2 — machine-gun sales patter over clanking percussion] It anticipates your breakfast. It adjusts your room to blue. It remembers every little thing That ever bothered you. It cancels every appointment That might make your stomach turn. It filters out the people And the lessons you could learn. It knows your favorite music. It knows your favorite face. It builds a little world for you With everything in place. No awkward conversations! No unpredictable events! No complicated feelings You can't put on a payment plan! [Pre-Chorus — backing voices increasingly robotic] Press one for pleasure. Press two for peace. Press three to make the wanting cease. Press four for the feeling That everything's fine. Press five to discontinue— [The machine skips] —discontinue— —discontinue— [Chorus — louder, brighter, less human] HAPPINESS! RIGHT AT HOME! Never feel another thing alone! HAPPINESS! CLEAN AND BRIGHT! Never have a bad day, day or night! Push the button! Pull the lever! Make yourself feel better forever! HAPPINESS! GUARANTEED! Your satisfaction is our priority. [Breakdown — the jingle continues, but the rhythm becomes heavy and mechanical] Wait. Wait a minute. Why am I still here? Why is the room so quiet? Why can't I hear— [Machine voice, filtered] CUSTOMER DISTRESS DETECTED. WOULD YOU LIKE TO REMOVE THIS FEELING? [Spoken, same male lead, suddenly sincere] Yes. [Machine voice] FEELING REMOVED. [The jingle resumes at exactly the same tempo] [Verse 3 — rigid, almost emotionless] I don't miss the sound of rain. I don't miss the taste of food. I don't miss the way she held me When she knew I wasn't good. I don't miss the stupid arguments. I don't miss the sleepless nights. I don't miss the way the morning Used to fill the house with light. I don't miss my father's laughter. I don't miss my mother's hands. I don't miss the boy I was Before I learned to understand. I don't miss a thing. I don't miss— I don't— [The music stutters. A faint, human breath.] [Bridge — all rhythm drops away; a single sustained electrical hum] But if nothing hurts, Then nothing heals. If nothing's lost, Then nothing's real. If nothing's frightening, Nothing's brave. If nothing's dying, Nothing's saved. And if you never need another— What exactly Have you made? [Machine voice, cheerful] CONGRATULATIONS! YOUR HAPPINESS PROFILE IS NOW COMPLETE. YOUR NEEDS HAVE BEEN ANTICIPATED. YOUR FUTURE HAS BEEN OPTIMIZED. YOUR PERSONALITY HAS BEEN— [Glitch] —PERSONALITY HAS BEEN— [Glitch, lower pitch] —PERSONALITY HAS BEEN— [Reveal — the mechanical pulse returns as a monstrous industrial groove] There's a man inside the machine. There's a child inside the man. There's a thousand little buttons Where the heart began. There's a town outside the window. There's a carnival in the rain. There's a thousand people waiting To be made the same. The machine doesn't make you happy. It makes you stop asking why. It doesn't take away your sorrow— It takes away the part That wonders why you're alive. [Final Chorus — the jingle mutates into a frantic, dissonant chant] HAPPINESS! RIGHT AT HOME! Never feel another thing alone! HAPPINESS! CLEAN AND BRIGHT! Never have a bad day, day or night! Push the button! Pull the lever! Make yourself feel better forever! HAPPINESS! GUARANTEED! NO MORE WANTING! NO MORE NEED! NO MORE YOU! NO MORE— [Machine cuts out] [Outro — one dry, mechanical click] Thank you for choosing The Happiness Machine. We hope you enjoy Your new life. [Long electrical hum] Your new life. Your new life. Your new life. [Silence]