[Intro – bright, theatrical lute riff full of trills and dramatic runs, crowd already snickering] [Verse 1 – fast, mocking, rolling eyes] He strolls into the cavern like he owns the place, Strums a chord and flashes that pretty-boy face. Dragon’s breathing fire, party’s running scared, Bard just winks and says “Oi love, you come here often, dear?” The fighter’s yelling “Draw steel!” the wizard’s casting haste, But our lad’s already rolling… Nat 20 on Charisma, what a waste! [Pre-chorus – sarcastic chuckle, lute does a silly little twiddle] He tries to romance the lich, the beholder, the hag, Got turned into a newt last week—still hasn’t changed back. [Chorus – loud, rowdy, half the tavern laughing and groaning] “I seduce the dragon! I seduce the dragon!” That’s all he ever says when the fighting starts to happen! “I seduce the dragon! I seduce the dragon!” While the rest of us are bleeding, he’s asking for its autograph and a wagon! Roll for persuasion, roll for seduction, Roll to see if we all die from second-hand embarrassment and corruption! [Verse 2 – still funny, getting more exaggerated] He convinced the orc warlord to drop his axe for a dance, Then stole the warlord’s pants and left him in a trance. He flirted with the vampire queen till she offered him a bite, Then talked her into giving us the relic just to get some quiet for the night. He once serenaded a gelatinous cube—swear the thing blushed pink, Now the bard claims “true love” every time we see something that slimes or stinks! [Pre-chorus – mock groan] He’s useless in a scrap, can’t swing a sword to save his life, But somehow every tavern tab is always paid by his wife. [Bridge – tempo slows, voice grows sincere and warm, lute shifts to gentle rolling chords] Yet when the night grows darkest and hope begins to fade, When the party’s broken, bleeding, and the last spell has been played… He stands up on the rubble, voice ringing clear and true, Sings a song of fallen friends that somehow pulls us through. His words become our courage, his melody our light, The bard who drove us mental is the one who gets us through the fight. [Final Chorus – big, triumphant, voices swelling with real respect] So here’s to the bard! Here’s to the bard! The one who seduces dragons and still keeps the party on guard! Here’s to the bard! Here’s to the bard! Annoying, flashy, hopeless, but the soul of every war! He flirts, he lies, he steals the show, But when the darkness closes in, it’s his song that steals the glow— We’d be lost without him, gods help us it’s true, So raise your cups high— To the bard… and the dragon he probably seduced too! [Outro – flashy final lute run, then warm sustained chord] To the bard… (whole tavern, half laughing, half sincere) To the bard! (He finishes with an over-the-top theatrical bow, nearly falls off the table, and the tavern erupts in cheers, jeers, and one very loud “I SEDUCE THE DRAGON!” from the back.)
