[Spoken Intro] Hello, welcome back to my Therapy Session songs. Today’s session is about… conflict. [Verse 1] Therapist: Hello, I understand you’re having some conflict issues? Patient: Well, yes… no… I’m not sure. What do you think? Therapist: I think you are. Patient: Why are you saying that? That’s conflicting with what I’m thinking! Therapist: Oh, I see. So how should I phrase it? Patient: I don’t know. Say it another way! Therapist: Another way? Okay… What floats your boat? Patient: I don’t have a boat. Therapist: Exactly! So tell me what you don’t like. Patient: I don’t like when people ask questions. Therapist: How am I supposed to find out anything about you if I can’t ask questions? Patient: I’m not sure. Therapist: You’re conflicted. Patient: Sure you are. [Verse 2] Therapist: Okay, let’s try something different. If I give you the question in the form of an answer, would that work? Patient: I guess. Therapist: Great. In the end, you’ll be calmer. Patient: What the hell does that mean? Therapist: It means you’ll be calmer. Patient: So you’re saying I have an issue? Therapist: That’s up to you. Patient: So now you’re saying I have issues? Therapist: No, I’m saying it’s up to you. Patient: So now you’re saying I’m responsible? Therapist: I’m trying to explain— Patient: Now you’re saying I don’t understand? Therapist: Okay… stop. Patient: So now you’re telling me to stop? Therapist: You came here for help, remember? Patient: So now you’re saying I shouldn’t be here? Therapist: No! I definitely think you should be here. Patient: You’re saying I have a problem! Therapist: I didn’t say that. Patient: You didn’t have to. I can tell what you’re thinking. Therapist: I’m not thinking anything. Patient: Exactly! That’s what someone with something to hide would say. [Chorus] Conflict! Everything I say becomes a fight! You say left, I say right! You say wrong, I say you’re right! Conflict! We’re arguing about arguing tonight! I don’t know who’s wrong or who’s right… But I’m pretty sure you’re the problem! [Verse 3] Patient: Oh! I saw that look! Therapist: What look? Patient: The one that says, “Oh, I know your kind.” Therapist: But I didn’t say anything! Patient: Exactly! Therapist: Exactly what? Patient: I just read you. Therapist: You read me? Patient: Yes! Therapist: Now you’re reading me? Patient: Yes! Therapist: But you said you don’t like questions. Patient: I don’t. Therapist: Then why are you asking me questions? Patient: I’m not. Therapist: You just did. Patient: Did what? Therapist: Ask a question. Patient: That’s not a question. Therapist: It literally was. Patient: You’re contradicting me again! Therapist: Because you’re contradicting yourself! Patient: See?! Therapist: See what?! Patient: CONFLICT! [Outro] Therapist: Okay… I think we’ve made some real progress today. Patient: I don’t agree. Therapist: Of course you don’t. Patient: Are you being sarcastic? Therapist: No. Patient: You sound sarcastic. Therapist: I’m not. Patient: You’re doing it again. Therapist: Doing what? Patient: Making conflict. Therapist: You’re the one making conflict! Patient: Exactly! Therapist: Exactly what? Patient: I knew you’d agree with me eventually. [Spoken] Therapist: …I’ll see you next week. Patient: Why? Therapist: Because apparently I need therapy now.
