MY TOASTER GOT AN ANKLE MONITOR [Intro] (microwave humming) (lighter flicks) Ayo… Who let Terry out? (WHO?) Nah, seriously. Why the toaster got an ankle monitor? TERRY! (I DIDN’T DO SHIT!) Boy, you got crumbs at the crime scene. ⸻ [Verse 1] Woke up this morning, kitchen look suspicious Kevin by the freezer acting real religious Carl counting money in a shower cap Peter ate a pickle then forgot he was that (WAIT… I’M A PICKLE?) Terry on the counter looking nervous as hell Ankle monitor blinking and it started to yell BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Terry said, “Relax, that ain’t even mine!” Boy, it is strapped to your leg. (THAT DON’T PROVE NOTHING!) How you got a leg?! (MIND YOUR BUSINESS!) ⸻ [Chorus] My toaster got an ankle monitor (BEEP BEEP!) Probation keep on calling him (DON’T ANSWER!) He cut that bitch off with a Pop-Tart Then disappeared inside a Walmart My toaster got an ankle monitor Burnt toast got the cops following him Kevin saw everything from the start… But we can’t discuss Kevin. (DON’T. SAY. KEVIN.) ⸻ [Verse 2] Hula Hoop Cop kicked open the door Slipped on some butter, fell flat on the floor (OFFICER DOWN!) Mailbox Mike yelled, “GET ON THE GROUND!” Larry the Left Sock said, “I ain’t been found!” Shopping Cart Steve came flying downhill Screaming, “TERRY, GET IN! GRAB THE WHEEL!” (I DON’T HAVE HANDS!) Neither does Terry! (THEN WHO DRIVING?!) …Barbara the Ceiling Fan. (WHAT THE FUCK?) Don’t ask questions. ⸻ [Chorus] My toaster got an ankle monitor (FREE TERRY!) Probation keep on calling him (BLOCK THE NUMBER!) He cut that bitch off with a Pop-Tart Now there’s crumbs scattered through the trailer park My toaster got an ankle monitor Burnt bread got the feds surrounding us Kevin saw everything from the start… But we can’t discuss Kevin. (HE KNOW WHAT HE DID.) ⸻ [Bridge] Terry said: “I’m innocent!” Then why you running? (I’M NOT RUNNING!) You’re in a shopping cart doing 40! (THAT’S STEVE’S FAULT!) Steve yelled: “DON’T PUT ME IN THIS!” Peter yelled: “WHO ATE MY CHIPS?!” You did, Peter. (DAMN.) Carl leaned into the microphone… “I can’t discuss Kevin.” (CARL, THIS AIN’T A PRESS CONFERENCE!) ⸻ [Verse 3] Now Terry hiding out behind the air fryer Claiming that the whole damn kitchen is a liar Smoke detector started recording the raid Dishwasher rich, so he already got paid Vacuum took the Wi-Fi and joined a weird cult Escalator Mermaid said, “This ain’t my fault!” Grandma pulled up in the Lamborghini Canoe Said, “Everybody get in!” THAT THING SEATS TWO! (SCOOT OVER!) We hit the highway doing three miles an hour Terry making toast off an extension cord for power (BREAKFAST!) ⸻ [Final Chorus] MY TOASTER GOT AN ANKLE MONITOR! (FREE TERRY! FREE TERRY!) Probation done got tired of him! (SEND IT TO VOICEMAIL!) He cut that bitch off with a Pop-Tart Now Hula Hoop Cop got a missing-person chart My toaster got an ankle monitor The entire kitchen needs a lawyer Kevin saw everything from the start… But… We… Can’t… Discuss… KEVIN. (fridge door slowly opens) … (Carl whispers) “Run.” [BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!] (TERRY: THAT AIN’T MINE!) Still SHINE
