Today. I tried the code. Wrong. Not mine. Never was. The code they gave me? Fake. The code I was born with? Joke. The code that was supposed to be mine? Doesn't work. Never worked. Never. Never… never… never… So I'm picking my own. Digit. By. Digit. Day. By. Day. First digit? What I want. HA! What I really want? Not what they shoved down my throat. Not what I pretend to want when you're watching. What I want when I'm alone. When the phone is OFF. When the lights are OUT. When there's no one to perform for. Off… off… out… out… I don't know that digit. Don't know it. Don't know myself. Pathetic, right? SECOND DIGIT! What I'm afraid of? Oh, I know that one. I know it SO well. Fear of ending up like THEM. Fear of ending up ALONE. Fear of ending up. Just. Ending. Ending… ending… ending… Third. Digit. What I'm good at? What I'm GOOD at? Hiding. Pretending. Saying "I'm fine" when I'm ROTTING inside. That's not a digit. That's a CELL. Cell… cell… cell… Fourth digit… What I love. What I really love. Not what I post. Not what I buy. Not what I say so you don't worry. What makes me forget. Forget the code. Forget the fear. Forget to check my phone. Forget my own name for a second. Forget… forget… forget… I think I know it. Almost. Always almost. I'M PICKING MY PIN! I'M PICKING MY PIN! I'M PICKING THE NUMBERS THAT LET ME IN! INTO MY OWN SKIN! They gave me a code. Said "this is who you are". Said "don't lose it". Said "be grateful". Grateful?! For what?! For their numbers?! For their box?! For their version of me?! Be grateful… be grateful… It wasn't mine. It was THEIRS. It was always theirs. So I'm throwing it away. Starting from ZERO. Starting from NOTHING. Starting from the only place I've never fucking looked. Zero… nothing… look… LOOK! I'M PICKING MY PIN! I'M PICKING MY PIN! I'M PICKING THE NUMBERS THAT LET ME IN! INTO MY OWN SKIN! It's taking forever. I keep getting it wrong. I keep punching in someone else's code. I keep expecting to be let in. To someone else's door. Someone else's life. Someone else's skin. Wrong… wrong… wrong… But this door is mine. This lock is mine. And I'm the one. The only one. Who has to pick it. So I'll try again tomorrow. Digit by digit. Day by day. Until I get it right. Until I get IN. Pick my PIN Pick my PIN Pick my PIN Pick MYSELF Pick myself.
0/500