# PARKED CAR EJECTION **[INTRO]** Before anybody gets dramatic— The car. Was. **PARKED.** Stationary. Not moving. Nobody got launched onto I-5. Thank you. --- **[VERSE 1]** Sitting in the car, minding my business, He starts tickling me like he’s lost all sense. I said, “Stop.” He kept going. I said, “Seriously.” Still going. Now somehow a grown man has turned “please stop touching me” into a fucking transportation issue. I opened the door. He looked surprised. Why? We had discussed this. --- **[HOOK]** PARKED CAR EJECTION. Please note: **PARKED.** I did not throw that man from a vehicle at speed. PARKED CAR EJECTION. Engine doing absolutely nothing. He would not stop tickling me, so his ride ended early. I said stop. He said— apparently nothing useful. Next thing you know: Passenger door. Goodbye. --- **[VERSE 2]** People hear “pushed him out the car” and suddenly I’m Vin Diesel. No. Relax. We were sitting there. Probably in park. Possibly with snacks. This was not *Fast & Furious.* This was *Annoyed & Stationary.* He kept grabbing my sides, laughing like this was cute. I’m saying “stop” with increasing customer-service fatigue. Sir. This interaction has exceeded its complimentary tickling allowance. Please exit the vehicle. --- **[HOOK]** PARKED CAR EJECTION. Say it with me: **THE VEHICLE WAS PARKED.** Nobody rolled. Nobody bounced. Nobody needed roadside assistance. PARKED CAR EJECTION. One passenger was removed for failure to follow basic instructions. Reason for termination: Wouldn’t stop tickling. Method of departure: More physical than I had hoped. --- **[BREAKDOWN — INCIDENT REPORT]** Vehicle status: Parked. Speed: Zero. Miles per hour: Still zero. Door: Open. Man: Annoying. Warnings: Multiple. Could this have been avoided? Yes. By stopping. Very advanced concept. --- **[VERSE 3]** He hit the pavement with both feet, not his face. Again— **PARKED.** I cannot stress this enough for the court of public opinion. No stunt coordinator. No tire screech. No dramatic highway roll. Just one woman who was done being fucking tickled. He looked through the open door like, “Seriously?” Yes. Seriously. You have been de-carred. Your passenger privileges have been suspended. Please appeal in writing. --- **[FINAL HOOK]** PARKED CAR EJECTION. Bad title. Accurate story. Sounds like attempted murder. Was mostly just annoying. PARKED CAR EJECTION. Zero miles per hour. One man discovered that “stop” was not a suggestion. I said stop. He kept going. So I upgraded the boundary. From verbal communication to: **OUT.** --- **[OUTRO]** And once again, for anyone who joined late: The car was parked. PARKED. As in: Not moving. As in: Nobody was yeeted into traffic. As in: I opened a door and removed a problem. **[pause]** Him: “You didn’t have to push me.” Me: You didn’t have to keep tickling me. We both learned something. **[car lock clicks]**
