THE FORTUNE TELLER

[INTRO – MYSTICAL BELLS, WIND-UP MUSIC BOX, DISTANT ORGAN] [OLD FEMALE VOICE, SWEET AND CREEPY] Come closer, darling... Don't be shy... I see your future... [PAUSE] Oh dear. You should've walked on by. [MANIACAL CACKLE – ORGAN STING] [VERSE 1 – BOUNCY GOTHIC CABARET] She sits in a tent at the end of the street, With a crooked old cat and some questionable tea. Her crystal ball glows with a sickly green light, She says, "I've got bad news for you tonight!" "Your hair will fall out, your teeth will turn grey, Your boss has been planning to fire you all day. Your soulmate is married, your luck's running thin, And that weird little rash? It's about to begin!" [PRE-CHORUS – PIZZICATO STRINGS BUILD] Pick a card! Any card! Your future's looking grim! You can close your eyes, you can cross your heart... BUT THE UNIVERSE DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN! [CHORUS – HUGE GHOSTLY CHOIR, PIPE ORGAN, CARNIVAL DRUMS] TELL ME! TELL ME! WHAT DO YOU SEE? "OH, SWEETHEART, IT'S NOT LOOKING GOOD FOR THEE!" BAD LUCK! SAD NEWS! A TERRIBLE SIGN! YOUR BEST YEARS ARE BEHIND YOU — AND YOUR HAIRLINE! TELL ME! TELL ME! IS THERE HOPE? "YOU'LL DIE WITH A CORDLESS PHONE AND NO WIFI SCOPE!" THE FUTURE'S DARK, THE END IS NEAR... NOW THAT'LL BE TWENTY-FIVE, MY DEAR! [POST-CHORUS – CREEPY CHILDREN'S CHOIR] Ooooh, what a shame! Ooooh, who's to blame? PAY THE LADY! SHE KNOWS YOUR NAME! [VERSE 2 – QUIRKY ORGAN, BASSOON, CIRCUS WALTZ] "Your friends talk about you when you're not around, Your missing left sock is the one never found. That thing in your attic? It knows where you sleep. And your houseplants are plotting — they're tired of your keep." "Your ex is doing great, they've never looked better, They wrote you a song... but forgot every letter. Your bank account's empty, your car's making a sound, And that smell in your kitchen? It's been there a month now." [PRE-CHORUS – MUSIC BUILDS] Pick a card! Any card! Oh, this one's rather grim... You may want to sit down, you may want to scream... [WHISPERS] Your family group chat... [PAUSE] ...has a separate chat about you. [DRAMATIC ORGAN STAB] [CHORUS – BIGGER, FULL GOTHIC CARNIVAL] TELL ME! TELL ME! WHAT DO YOU SEE? "OH, SWEETHEART, IT'S NOT LOOKING GOOD FOR THEE!" BAD LUCK! SAD NEWS! A TERRIBLE SIGN! YOUR BEST YEARS ARE BEHIND YOU — AND YOUR HAIRLINE! TELL ME! TELL ME! IS THERE HOPE? "YOU'LL DIE WITH A CORDLESS PHONE AND NO WIFI SCOPE!" THE FUTURE'S DARK, THE END IS NEAR... NOW THAT'LL BE TWENTY-FIVE, MY DEAR! [INSTRUMENTAL BREAK – DERANGED PIPE ORGAN, TOY PIANO, CACKLING LAUGHTER] [BRIDGE – SOFT, HAUNTING MUSIC BOX] A little boy asks, "Will I be a king?" She looks in the ball, then says one thing... "Your mother still keeps your baby teeth... And one day you'll understand why." [PAUSE – QUIET ORGAN] A nervous man asks, "Will I find true love?" She looks at his shoes, then glances above... "Well, yes, my dear... But first, lose the hat." [ALL MUSIC CUTS OUT] [FINAL CHORUS – GRAND, CHAOTIC, THEATRICAL] TELL ME! TELL ME! WHAT DO YOU SEE? "THE WORST-CASE SCENARIO — GUARANTEED!" BAD LUCK! SAD NEWS! YOUR DREAMS ARE DEAD! SHE JUST READ YOUR FUTURE AND YOUR INTERNET THREAD! TELL ME! TELL ME! WILL I BE OKAY? "ABSOLUTELY NOT — HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!" THE FUTURE'S DARK, THE END IS NEAR... NOW THAT'LL BE TWENTY-FIVE, MY DEAR! [OUTRO – SOLO ORGAN, WIND-UP MUSIC BOX] [OLD FEMALE VOICE] Would you like to know how you die? [NERVOUS VOICE] ...No, thank you. [OLD FEMALE VOICE] Good. Because I forgot. [MANIACAL LAUGHTER – FINAL ORGAN STING] [END]