Britain's Greatest Idiot by crazy sues

**[Intro — somebody bangs a pint glass on the table]**

OI!
WHO LET THIS FUCKING IDIOT IN?

**ALL:**
WE DID!

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

---

**Verse 1**
You absolute fucking muppet,
You catastrophic prick,
You tried to light a cigarette
With someone else’s chip.

You bellend, you knobhead,
You monumental tit,
You walked into the gents
Then asked where the toilets fucking sit.

You’ve got the brains of gravy,
The balance of a chair,
And somehow when you fuck things up,
You act like you weren’t there.

---

**Chorus**
OI!
YOU ABSOLUTE BASTARD!
YOU GLORIOUS TWAT!
You’ve spilled someone’s lager
All over the cat!

You tosser!
You wazzock!
You useless old git!
You couldn’t organise
A piss-up in a pub if you tried a fucking bit!

**ALL:**
WAHEYYYY!

---

**Verse 2**
You ordered twelve packets of crisps,
Then claimed you’d lost the lot,
While sitting on eight of them
And wearing four on top.

You started chatting bollocks
About how hard you are,
Then screamed because a moth
Flew somewhere near the bar.

You called Dave a knobhead,
Dave called you one back,
Then somehow both of you agreed
That Kevin is a twat.

**KEVIN:**
Oi!

**EVERYONE:**
SHUT UP, KEVIN!

---

**Chorus**
YOU ABSOLUTE MUPPET!
YOU MAGNIFICENT PRICK!
You said, “Watch this, lads!”
Then immediately slipped!

You bellend!
You plonker!
You dickhead!
You git!
You’ve turned being a fucking disaster
Into a professional skill!

---

**[Pub Chant]**

WHO LOST THEIR PHONE?

**YOU DID!**

WHO LOST THEIR KEYS?

**YOU DID!**

WHO PHONED THEIR PHONE
WHILE HOLDING THE FUCKING THING?

**YOU DID!**

WHO SAID “I’M FINE”
THEN FELL THROUGH A CHAIR?

**YOU DID!**

WHO’S BARRED FROM THE KEBAB SHOP?

...

**YOU ARE!**

**LEAD:**
That was a misunderstanding.

**ALL:**
YOU THREW A GARLIC SAUCE!

---

**Verse 3**
You strutted to the jukebox
Like Britain’s answer to Prince,
Then put on fucking ABBA
And haven’t lived it down since.

You danced upon the carpet,
You gave your finest spin,
Then knocked three tables over
And landed in a bin.

You crawled back through the doorway,
With dignity long dead,
Then shouted, “WHO THE FUCK DID THAT?!”

Mate.

It was you.

You massive fucking bellend.

---

**Bridge — unnecessarily emotional**

And when the night is ending,
And everyone’s half dead,
There’s chips upon the pavement
And a traffic cone on Fred.

We look across the carnage,
The broken stool and glass,
And realise one special cunt
Has caused this whole damn farce.

**LEAD:**
Was it Kevin?

**ALL:**
NO, YOU FUCKING ARSE!

---

**Final Chorus — everybody screaming**

YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING MUPPET!
YOU CHAOTIC LITTLE SHIT!
Everywhere you fucking go
Turns into absolute bollocks within minutes!

You knobhead!
You tosspot!
You monumental tit!
You’re Britain’s greatest fuck-up—

**LEAD:**
I’ll drink to that!

**ALL:**
OF COURSE YOU FUCKING WILL!

So raise your fucking glasses!
Raise every bloody pint!
To the bastard who starts trouble
Every single Friday night!

To the twats!
To the prats!
To the glorious little shits!
God save Great Britain—

**AND ALL ITS FUCKING IDIOTS!**

**ALL:**
OI! OI! OI!

**[Someone falls over.]**

**VOICE FROM THE BACK:**
For fuck’s sake, Kevin.

3143/7500

**[Intro — somebody bangs a pint glass on the table]** OI! WHO LET THIS FUCKING IDIOT IN? **ALL:** WE DID! Oh, for fuck’s sake. --- **Verse 1** You absolute fucking muppet, You catastrophic prick, You tried to light a cigarette With someone else’s chip. You bellend, you knobhead, You monumental tit, You walked into the gents Then asked where the toilets fucking sit. You’ve got the brains of gravy, The balance of a chair, And somehow when you fuck things up, You act like you weren’t there. --- **Chorus** OI! YOU ABSOLUTE BASTARD! YOU GLORIOUS TWAT! You’ve spilled someone’s lager All over the cat! You tosser! You wazzock! You useless old git! You couldn’t organise A piss-up in a pub if you tried a fucking bit! **ALL:** WAHEYYYY! --- **Verse 2** You ordered twelve packets of crisps, Then claimed you’d lost the lot, While sitting on eight of them And wearing four on top. You started chatting bollocks About how hard you are, Then screamed because a moth Flew somewhere near the bar. You called Dave a knobhead, Dave called you one back, Then somehow both of you agreed That Kevin is a twat. **KEVIN:** Oi! **EVERYONE:** SHUT UP, KEVIN! --- **Chorus** YOU ABSOLUTE MUPPET! YOU MAGNIFICENT PRICK! You said, “Watch this, lads!” Then immediately slipped! You bellend! You plonker! You dickhead! You git! You’ve turned being a fucking disaster Into a professional skill! --- **[Pub Chant]** WHO LOST THEIR PHONE? **YOU DID!** WHO LOST THEIR KEYS? **YOU DID!** WHO PHONED THEIR PHONE WHILE HOLDING THE FUCKING THING? **YOU DID!** WHO SAID “I’M FINE” THEN FELL THROUGH A CHAIR? **YOU DID!** WHO’S BARRED FROM THE KEBAB SHOP? ... **YOU ARE!** **LEAD:** That was a misunderstanding. **ALL:** YOU THREW A GARLIC SAUCE! --- **Verse 3** You strutted to the jukebox Like Britain’s answer to Prince, Then put on fucking ABBA And haven’t lived it down since. You danced upon the carpet, You gave your finest spin, Then knocked three tables over And landed in a bin. You crawled back through the doorway, With dignity long dead, Then shouted, “WHO THE FUCK DID THAT?!” Mate. It was you. You massive fucking bellend. --- **Bridge — unnecessarily emotional** And when the night is ending, And everyone’s half dead, There’s chips upon the pavement And a traffic cone on Fred. We look across the carnage, The broken stool and glass, And realise one special cunt Has caused this whole damn farce. **LEAD:** Was it Kevin? **ALL:** NO, YOU FUCKING ARSE! --- **Final Chorus — everybody screaming** YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING MUPPET! YOU CHAOTIC LITTLE SHIT! Everywhere you fucking go Turns into absolute bollocks within minutes! You knobhead! You tosspot! You monumental tit! You’re Britain’s greatest fuck-up— **LEAD:** I’ll drink to that! **ALL:** OF COURSE YOU FUCKING WILL! So raise your fucking glasses! Raise every bloody pint! To the bastard who starts trouble Every single Friday night! To the twats! To the prats! To the glorious little shits! God save Great Britain— **AND ALL ITS FUCKING IDIOTS!** **ALL:** OI! OI! OI! **[Someone falls over.]** **VOICE FROM THE BACK:** For fuck’s sake, Kevin.

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