[verse 1] Everything was perfectly swell No poverty, no war No sickness and no growing old Nobody needed much anymore [verse 2] Forty million souls was all The government would allow And if you wanted one more child Well, somebody had to go somehow [Chorus] Call 2-B-R-naught-2-B (To be or not to be) When somebody wants to enter life Somebody else must leave 2-B-R-naught-2-B Just pick up the telephone The world has plenty room for more If somebody gives up their own [verse 3] At the Chicago Lying-In Hospital Wehling sat and stared at the floor His wife was having triplets And he needed two volunteers more [verse 4] He'd found his grandpa, ninety-something Who'd agreed to take the ride But one old man for three new babies Left two places still unoccupied [verse 5] A painter worked upon the wall A garden mural bright and clean Painting doctors, nurses, flowers The prettiest world he'd ever seen [verse 6] The obstetrician posed for the mural And so did a federal woman But the painter saw the joke behind The government's master plan [Chorus] Call 2-B-R-naught-2-B (To be or not to be) When somebody wants to enter life Somebody else must leave 2-B-R-naught-2-B Just pick up the telephone The world has plenty room for more If somebody gives up their own [verse 7] Then Wehling pulled a pistol out And shot the two he'd found The doctor and the agent Both went quietly down [verse 8] "That makes two," the father said "Two babies can now arrive" Then he used the pistol on himself So all the triplets could survive [verse 9] The painter watched and thought about the perfect world on the wall And wondered what a life was worth If anything at all [verse 10] The painter raised the pistol to his head But couldn't pull the trigger Then saw a phone booth nearby And figured that was quicker [verse 11] He dialed the number everybody knew And heard a pleasant voice say, "Federal Bureau of Termination— How may we serve you today?" [Final Chorus] Call 2-B-R-naught-2-B (To be or not to be) When somebody wants to enter life Somebody else must leave 2-B-R-naught-2-B Just pick up the telephone The world has plenty room for more If somebody gives up their own [verse 12] The painter thought about it for a while Then asked for the nearest location "The FBT is very grateful, sir And so is the next generation"
