How Am I Supposed to Conquer the Galaxy When Papa Keeps Wiping My Face?

Title: How Am I Supposed to Conquer the Galaxy When Papa Keeps Wiping My Face? -------------- Background: Meet Lili — Princess of the Void Dominion. In her previous life, Lili was a 35-year-old woman who had mastered the ancient art of avoiding people, surviving disastrous relationships, and being catastrophically overqualified for her job as a canteen kitchen helper. Then she dropped her keys into a dumpster. She climbed in. The garbage truck arrived. Recycling at its best. But death gives her a second chance. She awakens as the tiny five-year-old daughter of the Demon King, supreme ruler of an interstellar empire and a three-meter-tall nightmare whose name makes entire worlds kneel. Finally. Power. Status. Horns. An empire. A father worthy of becoming the greatest terror in the galaxy beside him. There is only one problem. The dreaded Demon King absolutely adores his daughter. The Devourer of Worlds makes pancakes. He owns an apron. He worries when she pouts. And while his generals tremble before him, his greatest concern is apparently whether his little princess has eaten enough breakfast. Lili is horrified. If her father has become too soft to bring terror to the stars, then she will simply have to do it herself. A 35-year-old cynic in the body of a tiny demon princess. An impossibly powerful father with absolutely no defense against his daughter. And an entire galaxy that has no idea what is coming. 😈💜 -------------Lyrics-------------- [Intro] [Muted guitar, quiet kitchen clatter] [Adult female spoken, shy, exhausted, deadpan] Thirty-five years. Canteen shift ends at ten. Rule number one of staying invisible: Never make eye contact. Never complain. ...And never, ever drop your keys into the dumpster. [Verse 1] [Dry chamber-pop, adult female conversational vocal] Two heavy bags of leftover stew, Freezing drizzle soaking through my shoe. Heaved them over the rusted edge— Then came a rattle on the metal ledge. I patted my pocket, I checked my coat, A knot of dread climbing up my throat. Apartment key and bicycle lock, Lying right there in the cabbage stalk. I could ask the chef. I could ask the guard. ...but talking to humans is way too hard! So up goes an elbow, up goes a knee, Nobody look at pathetic little me! [Pre-Chorus] [Awkward strings building] [Adult female vocal] Just a little stretch. Just two inches more. Fingertips grazing the slippery floor! Center of gravity, tilting right, [Metallic impact] Head hits the rim. Total blackout of light. [Chorus] [Fast orchestral chaos] [Adult female vocal, frantic] BEEEP! BEEEP! BEEEP! GOES THE GARBAGE TRUCK! THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OF COMMITTED BAD LUCK! HYDRAULIC PISTONS GROANING IN THE RAIN, SQUEEZING OUT THE FINAL EMBARRASSING PAIN! NO GLORIOUS DEATH, NO LAST RETREAT, JUST CARROT PEELINGS AND ROTTING MEAT! CRUSHED IN A BIN LIKE A COMMON FLY, WHAT A STUPID, SHITTY LITTLE WAY TO DIE! [Hard stop] [Adult female spoken, flat] A last painful pressure. ...Crrrunch. [Interlude] [Silence, then colossal pipe organ, orchestra and war drums] [Verse 2] [Young female vocal, small childlike timbre, shocked then exhilarated] Cold air rushing through an endless hall! Runes of liquid fire burning on the wall! I reach for my glasses, I reach for my face, What is this absurd, gargantuan place?! Tiny black claws! Razor-sharp teeth! A velvet cradle with the void underneath! No goddess. No speech. No heavenly light, Just dreadnought engines tearing through the night! Did the universe finally settle the score?! I'm done wiping counters on a kitchen floor! Look at these horns! Look at this throne! I'M SOMETHING TERRIBLE, FLESH AND BONE! [Pre-Chorus] [Huge imperial orchestral build] [Young female vocal, increasingly ecstatic] THE GATES BLOW OPEN! THE MARBLE SHAKES! A MONSTER APPROACHES AS REALITY BREAKS! THREE METERS TALL! OBSIDIAN AND DREAD! SIX BURNING EYES IN A CROWNED HEAD! [Male voices, ceremonial proclamation] "ALL KNEEL BEFORE THE DEVOURER OF SEVEN SUNS! SOVEREIGN OF THE VOID DOMINION! THE DEMON KING!" [Young female spoken, stunned] ...The Demon King? [Young female spoken, realization dawning] My father? ...Oh. [Orchestra surges] [Young female shouted, ecstatic] OH, HELL YES! [Massive orchestral hit] [Genre Break] [Tiny pizzicato strings and glockenspiel] [Male spoken, impossibly deep, monstrous, doting] "Good morning, my sweet little Lili-chan! Papa made pancakes with extra strawberry syrup! Look! They have little smiley faces on them!" [Silence] [Young female spoken, tiny deadpan voice] ...Are you fucking kidding me? [Chorus] [Fast symphonic space-opera comedy] [Young female vocal, furious and commanding] YOU HAD THE STARS CRUSHED UNDER YOUR FEET! WHO TAUGHT THE KING OF HELL TO BE THIS SWEET?! SIX BURNING EYES AND A CROWN OF FLAME, AND "DOTING DADDY" IS YOUR FUCKING GAME?! KEEP YOUR PEACE! AND KEEP YOUR TEA! KEEP THOSE PLUSHIES AWAY FROM ME! YOU SWALLOWED SEVEN SUNS IN OUTER SPACE, AND NOW YOU'RE WIPING SYRUP OFF MY FACE?! [Bridge] [Agitated pizzicato, cello and percussion] [Young female vocal, rapid and furious] Look at the generals standing in line! Armored in black from heel to spine! Hardened warlords staring away, Terrified of what their master might say! [Male spoken, impossibly deep, affectionate] "Open wide for the spaceship, princess~!" [Hard stop] [Young female spoken, tiny furious deadpan] I am the heir to your empire. Stop...making...the spoon...fly. [Orchestra snaps back] [Young female sung, furious] I WANTED BLOOD! I WANTED FIRE! I WANTED AN IRON EMPIRE! Instead I get a father who cries Whenever I roll my violet eyes! [Final Build] [Cello and strings growing into full orchestra] [Young female vocal, briefly sincere, then resolute] Thirty-five years I whispered small, Apologized for taking space at all. Kept my head down. Stayed polite. Made myself easy to overlook at night. Well.... I DIED IN GARBAGE. ONCE IS ENOUGH. If I've been reborn, I'M DOING IT ROUGH! [Final Chorus] [Young female vocal, ecstatic, commanding] FINE! WEAR YOUR APRON! SWEEP THE HALL! SIGN YOUR TREATIES! LOVE THEM ALL! IF THE TERROR OF WORLDS HAS GONE THIS SOFT, I'LL CARRY THE DAMN APOCALYPSE ALOFT! NO MORE HIDING! NO MORE SMALL! IF I'M TAKING SPACE, I'M TAKING ALL! KEEP YOUR KINGDOM! KEEP YOUR THRONE! I'LL MAKE THE END OF WORLDS MY OWN! [Outro] [Orchestra ends on one enormous chord] [Male spoken, deep, quietly delighted] "Dad is so proud of you." [Adult female spoken, flat] Did you even listen to me?