Aphrodisiac Instructions No. 01 Red Velvet

Tie that apron at your waist Keep me waiting for a taste Eggs, buttermilk, room temperature Both butters, cream cheese, softened first Oven, three-fifty Fahrenheit Two nine-inch round pans tonight Grease, line the bottoms with parchment rounds Grease again, we’re laying this down Three cups cake flour, spooned and leveled One teaspoon baking soda Two tablespoons natural unsweetened cocoa Half teaspoon salt, whisk together New bowl, half cup unsalted butter Two cups granulated sugar Beat medium-high, one minute together Scrape the bottom, scrape the edges One cup vegetable oil slides in Four large eggs, separate them Yolks go in, save whites for later One tablespoon vanilla extract One teaspoon distilled white vinegar High speed, two minutes together Scrape that bowl, come close enough To hear what happens when I stop You look so good with your hands like that Hair tied up and your head tipped back Make me wait till the kitchen cools Then give me something I can sink my teeth into Mixer low, dry mix in three rounds Alternate with one cup buttermilk Two teaspoons red gel coloring Mix just till it all blends in Those four whites, separate clean bowl High speed, three minutes or so Fluffy peaks, then gently fold Into the batter, soft and slow Split between the pans, bake right away Thirty to thirty-two minutes, then Tops spring back, center toothpick clean Wet crumbs? Bake more, check again Don’t bake it dry, I want it tender Cool in the pans on a wire rack Completely cool before the frosting I know you want it Hold that thought Sixteen ounces full-fat brick cream cheese Three-quarter cup unsalted butter Both softened, medium-high Two minutes, smooth together Five cups powdered sugar One and a half teaspoons vanilla extract Pinch of salt, low thirty seconds High three minutes Now let me watch Beat until smooth I like what your hands can do Soft, not runny Beat until smooth Too thin? More powdered sugar Too sweet? Another pinch of salt Cool cakes out, serrated knife Trim their domes to level tops First cake down, frost the top Second layer, dress it up Remaining frosting, top and sides Slow hands Let it glide Fridge for thirty to sixty minutes Let it set before you slice Keep leftovers covered and chilled Up to five days If they survive You look so good with your hands like that Little white streak where you brushed your neck All this waiting, all this heat Now bring that sweetness Over here to me I meant the cake. Mostly.