[Intro] (Fast, pounding honky-tonk piano roll crashing into a loud, twin-guitar southern rock opening riff) (Gritty spoken baritone snarl) Step-by-step instructions? That’s just paper for people who give up. Hit it! [Verse 1] (Pumping 2-step honky-tonk rhythm, heavy bass, bright guitar stabs) Opened up the box on the living room floor, Forty-eight pieces and a bag of hardware. My wife looked down with a skeptical eye, Said, "Honey, you should read what the diagrams apply." I laughed out loud like a wild mountain goat, Tossed the little booklet right into the moat— (Well, into the trash can by the TV stand) A real man builds it with an empty right hand! [Pre-Chorus] (Snare drum builds rapidly, screaming pedal steel slide) Got six metal brackets and a dozen screws left over, We’re riding this disaster straight into the clover! [Chorus] (Maximum explosive volume, roaring guitars, rowdy gang shouts) I’ll read the f***ing manual tomorrow! Right now I’m just borrowing sorrow! If the table has a lean and the shelves won't square, Just hammer it down and pretend it's not there! Who needs a diagram? Who needs a guide? When you got stubborn pride and a beer by your side! Yeah, throw out the paper, forget what they borrow— I’ll read the f***ing manual tomorrow! [Verse 2] (Fast driving rhythm continues, plucky piano fills) Now the left side is bolted where the right side should go, And the entertainment center looks like a folding-up tent show. The drawer won't shut and the door's hanging low, Do I care? Hell no, watch the beer bottle glow! My buddy walks in, takes one look at the mess, Says, "Man, you turned a dresser into unmitigated stress." I handed him a cold one, pointed at the frame, "Structural integrity is just a middle-class game!" [Pre-Chorus] (Snare roll, heavy guitar chug) The instructions said "Assembly Time: Four Hours Max," I did it in twenty minutes and blew out my back! [Chorus] (Maximum explosive volume, roaring guitars, rowdy gang shouts) I’ll read the f***ing manual tomorrow! Right now I’m just borrowing sorrow! If the table has a lean and the shelves won't square, Just hammer it down and pretend it's not there! Who needs a diagram? Who needs a guide? When you got stubborn pride and a beer by your side! Yeah, throw out the paper, forget what they borrow— I’ll read the f***ing manual tomorrow! [Guitar Solo] (Blazing fast, dual-harmony Telecaster guitar shredding trading bars with a pounding honky-tonk piano and wild drum fills) [Bridge] (Halftime groove breakdown, heavy kick drum pulse, gritty spoken-baritone chuckle) (Chuckles into the mic) Wait... why is there an entire structural load-bearing beam left on the carpet? (Guitar feedback screams) Eh... it was probably optional. Hand me another beer. (Full drum roll launches back into double-time!) [Chorus] (Full throttle, absolute wall of sound, shouting gang vocals) I’ll read the f***ing manual tomorrow! Right now I’m just borrowing sorrow! If the table has a lean and the shelves won't square, Just hammer it down and pretend it's not there! Who needs a diagram? Who needs a guide? When you got stubborn pride and a beer by your side! Yeah, throw out the paper, forget what they borrow— I’ll read the f***ing manual tomorrow! [Outro] (Driving honky-tonk train beat kicks into absolute overdrive, dueling guitar bends) Tomorrow! Throw the book away! Extra screws on the floor! (Big crashing finish on a C-major power chord, the sound of a wooden shelf collapsing in the background, and a satisfied beer can crush)
