[epic introduction] (Verse 1) Can you teach new tricks to a meth addict? Maybe... if the moon says "yes." Just make sure they're back on Earth, And not trying to fistfight their own GPS. Yesterday they chased a lawn chair, Claiming it escaped from jail. Spent six hours interrogating A confused decorative snail. They tried arresting a scarecrow For stealing all the neighborhood corn. The judge was a mailbox, The jury was pigeons, And the sentence was mowing the lawn. (Chorus) They do things they should know better, Running on about half a spark. They'll argue with a parking meter, Then accuse the sun of staying out after dark. They're vacuuming the rain, Mopping the driveway dry. Trying to teach goldfish karate So they can learn to fly. If you see somebody Yelling at a potato, Calling it "Captain Steve"... Smile... keep walking... Don't stop to ask, Or they'll recruit you to their team. (Verse 2) They built a submarine Out of shopping carts To invade the neighbor's pool. Declared war on a garden hose Because it was "acting rude." They microwaved an ice cube Trying to freeze it harder. Then apologized to the refrigerator For hurting its feelings afterward. They spent all afternoon Trying to milk a mailbox. Then got offended when it quit. Declared the squirrels Were charging rent And the trees were counterfeit. (Chorus) They'll polish dirt To make it shinier. Iron a bowl of soup. Teach a rock to fetch a stick, Then wonder why it won't. They're trying to baptize A vacuum cleaner. Marry a ceiling fan. Holding election campaigns For the neighborhood ants, Promising "Free cheese for every man!" (Bridge) They're accusing a stop sign Of following them home. Giving swimming lessons To a garden gnome. Trying to recharge A banana with jumper cables. Knitting sweaters for mosquitoes. Installing Wi-Fi in a potato. Filing taxes for a jellybean. Trying to pet a rainbow. Then they spent three hours Trying to sneak up on Tuesday. [epic interlude] (Final Chorus) Can you teach new tricks to a meth addict? Maybe... but here's the deal: The smartest trick They could ever learn Is getting help and getting real. So if somebody tells you The moon owes them twenty bucks, Or they're late for a meeting With invisible ducks... Wish them well, Keep your distance, Don't volunteer your brain. Life's already weird enough— No need to add meth to the strain! (Outro) The scarecrow won the lawsuit. The mailbox beat the snail. The goldfish earned a black belt. The potato made bail. And somewhere in the distance, A shopping-cart submarine Is chasing an escaped lawn chair... ...because that's perfectly normal. [epic over the top ending]
