[Intro] Fuck... —... why me why did I agree to such a spooky night in them hills? I'm scared as hell for reals yeah I'm scared shitless I've got the chills. I'm not ok with so many kids, crickets, and glizzy stealin' grizzly bears. But it's clear no matter how loud I scream for my life sadly nobody cares. So in fear I go tryin' to calm my breath. I'd wager my life on my untimely death. [Verse One] My ominous therapist said that I need to clear my worrisome head. Sounds too scary to me so I decided to dwell on my fears instead. Just the thought of a night in the woods gives me the jitters. Stuck among creepy trees, bigfoot, and all them horrifyin' critters. All packed with supplies and I hid deep within the back of my wife's van. Thinkin' about scary stuff like crackhead mimes and a real pissed off Asian man. Hope a Sasquatch don't beat me up, take my pants, or try stuffin' his foot in my ass. I'm certain he's gonna be there yeah these dreadful chills don't ever seem to pass. "This is way too spooky for me" I protested, who else is afraid that I'll get molested? I cringe at my wifes reply tellin' me in my terror is too much time I've invested. I'd have disagreed but last time I did she locked me outside I swear she did. That's when I got chased, beat up, and face shoved in shit by the neighbors kid. Hell that kid may only be 9 but he hits as hard as a 12 year old. I've never been in so much fear and pain, my baby ass got rolled. [Chorus] Cruisin' with the fam goin' out of town and I'm afraid my fear won't fade away. I get a rumblin' and tumblin' my bowels released something foul that day. Why do I have to be here why the fuck did I have to come along too? If you weren't so damn fast and strong I'd scamper away from you. Now I'm stuck... shit out of luck... whimperin' and scared as fuck. Prayin' there's no guitar playin' hippies makin' me jump with each chord they pluck. [Verse Two] We get to the cabin and no sign of bigfoot my paranoia is making me feel dizzy. Trapped between trees and pissed off monstrosities who wanna rip off my glizzy. Heard a twig snap and my ass began to crap as I bolted blindly from the scare. It was a hippie playin' acoustic guitar, barefooted, with long greasy hair. As I hustle through the forest in fear hoping that hippie would just disappear. From every direction I could hear the twang of acoustic guitars drawing near. It may be only noon but the trees dimmed the light too much for me to see. As I turned to run something else scared me and I ran head first into a tree. Everything went dark when my face hit the roughest part of that pine. Prolly heard my whine a fuckin' Sasquatch tied my ass up using a vine. I tried to cry for help but what came out further damaged my self-esteem. As it stepped into sight it was a Sasquatch alright that's when I began to scream. Oh God I'm gonna die gonna get eaten by this big ass fuzzy forest guy. I lost all hope until I saw something from the corner of my teary eye. [Chorus] Cruisin' with the fam goin' out of town and I'm afraid my fear won't fade away. I get a rumblin' and tumblin' my bowels released something foul that day. Why do I have to be here why the fuck did I have to come along too? If you weren't so damn fast and strong I'd scamper away from you. Now I'm stuck... shit out of luck... whimperin' and scared as fuck. Prayin' there's no guitar playin' hippies makin' me jump with each chord they pluck [Verse Three/Outro] With a thunderous boom, then a crack, and finally a ground shaking thud. Knocked out cold lay Sasquatch beaten by a hippie smellin' like B O and bud. He unraveled the vines around my piss soaked legs and helped me to my feet. But as soon as he did he swung his busted guitar guess I was next to get my ass beat. From dusk all the way to the break of dawn that hippie whipped my ass. So now and forever if I'm ever invited to go camping I'll promptly fuckin' pass. [Subtle Acoustic Guitar Chords Fading To Silence]
