June 3:33 A.M. If you’re reading this I made it through another night I checked the clock again Three Thirty-three My favorite number My OCD Something spiritual Or maybe I’m just a little crazy I don’t know But I’m still here So I guess that has to mean something Three months later You would never know How close I came To disappearing completely You see the smile You hear me laugh You ask how I’m doing And I say I’m okay Because that’s easier Than explaining The noise inside my brain Life be lifin’ Kay be Kayin’ And somewhere between Surviving and pretending I started writing again Words in my head Lyrics in the dark Little pieces of me Pressed between These stained journal pages Trying to turn the pain Into something That sounds like art Maybe I’m healing Maybe I’m hiding Maybe I’m doing both At the same time Maybe these words Are the only reason I’m still fighting At 3:33 I write myself back together One word One line One memory at a time At 3:33 I tell the truth to the paper Because the paper Never tells me I’m too much Never tells me To calm down Never asks me To explain why I’m crying At 3:33 When the whole world is sleeping I’m still here Still writing Still trying Still me My mind keeps looping Replaying old rooms Old words Old wounds Same memories circling Same questions returning Same bridges inside me Still somehow burning ADHD thoughts Running faster than me OCD asking What if Anxiety saying Don’t breathe Depression pulling blankets Over everything I see Grief sitting quietly In the empty chair beside me Mom Dad I still look for you In everything A song A smell A number A dream Sometimes I swear You’re somewhere near me Sometimes I’m just angry That you had to leave And I’m tired God I’m tired Tired of fighting battles Nobody else can see Tired of saying I’m okay When okay Doesn’t feel like me But I’m writing So maybe there’s still Something inside me That believes Maybe I’m healing Maybe I’m hiding Maybe I’m doing both At the same time Maybe these words Are the only reason I’m still fighting At 3:33 I write myself back together One word One line One memory at a time At 3:33 I tell the truth to the paper Because the paper Never tells me I’m too much Never tells me To calm down Never asks me To explain why I’m crying At 3:33 When the whole world is sleeping I’m still here Still writing Still trying Still me Maybe three-three-three Isn’t a warning Maybe it’s a reminder Maybe it means Look around, Kay You survived long enough To see another morning Maybe the stained pages Aren’t ruined Maybe they’re proof That I felt something That I lived something That I made something Out of everything That tried to break me Maybe I’m not lost Maybe I’m becoming Maybe I don’t need All the answers tonight Maybe I only need One more breath One more line One more reason To stay and write At 3:33 I write myself back together One word One line One memory at a time At 3:33 I’m learning that surviving Doesn’t always look brave Sometimes it looks like Crying into a notebook Sometimes it looks like Whispering Please let me be okay Sometimes it’s checking the clock And realizing I’m still awake I’m still breathing I’m still creating I’m still here At 3:33 When the whole world is sleeping I found my voice Inside the silence And maybe tonight That’s enough for me 4:11 A.M. The sky will start changing soon I don’t have everything figured out Honestly I don’t have much figured out But I wrote myself Through another night So Goodnight Love Kay
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