A Shotgun. A Handgun. Multiple Knives. by Brown Moses

[sample:hotel hold music, looped]
[sample:Casio WALTZ preset, one chord held]
[sound effect:tape hiss]
[NARRATOR, deadpan]: The following statements were made by an elected official between April 25th and April 28th, 2026. No words have been added. The pauses are ours.
[sample:canned ballroom applause, cut short]
[VOICE 1, flat:] Quite an evening in D.C.
Secret Service did a fantastic job
The shooter has been apprehended
[Casio chord]
[VOICE 2, cheerful]: And I have recommended that we
[pause]
LET THE SHOW GO ON
[sample:dinner bell, distant]
[NARRATOR]: This was posted at 9:17 p.m. The shooter had been on the ground forty-one minutes.
[VOICE 1, flat:] Law Enforcement has requested that we leave
[pause]
Immediately
[sample:hotel elevator ding]
The First Lady, plus the Vice President
And all Cabinet members
Are in perfect condition
[sample:microwave finishing beep]
[NARRATOR]: A press conference followed. The President was still wearing his tuxedo.
[VOICE 2, cheerful]: This was an event dedicated to freedom of speech
And in a certain way it did
Because they just unified
I saw a room totally unified
[two seconds]
A very beautiful thing to see
[Casio chord, detuned]
[NARRATOR]: The man had a shotgun. A handgun. Multiple knives.
[VOICE 1, flat:] A very beautiful thing to see
[seven seconds of nothing]
[sample:tape flip]
[sample:construction site, jackhammer, does not stop]
[NARRATOR]: Eleven hours had elapsed.
[VOICE 2, cheerful]: What happened last night is exactly the reason
That every President for the last 150 years
[pause]
Have been DEMANDING
[sample:gavel]
That a Ballroom be built
ON THE GROUNDS OF THE WHITE HOUSE
[NARRATOR]: One hundred and fifty years.
[VOICE 1, flat:] One hundred and fifty years.
[NARRATOR]: McKinley. Roosevelt. Wilson. Kennedy. Reagan. Each, we are told, demanding a ballroom.
[VOICE 2, cheerful]: This event would never have happened
With the Militarily Top Secret Ballroom
[pause]
It cannot be built fast enough
[sample:cash register opening, four seconds]
[VOICE 1, flat:] Nothing should be allowed to interfere
With with its construction
[NARRATOR]: With with. The word "with" appears twice. A typographical error. Nobody corrected it.
[VOICE 2, cheerful]: It's drone proof
It's bulletproof glass
We need the ballroom
[Casio chord]
We need levels of security
That nobody's ever seen before
[NARRATOR]: The man did not enter the ballroom. He was stopped at a magnetometer. The magnetometer was being disassembled.
[sample:metal equipment being packed away]
[VOICE 1, flat:] A very beautiful thing to see
[Casio chord, repeated, increasingly detuned]
[sample:tape flip]
[sample:ABC News theme, interrupted]
[sound effect:remote clicking channels]
[NARRATOR]: Two days before the shooting, a comedian made a joke.
[VOICE 2, cheerful]: Like an expectant widow
[sample:canned 1970s laugh track]
[NARRATOR]: On Monday the President responded.
[VOICE 1, flat:] Wow, Jimmy Kimmel
Who is in no way funny
A day later
A lunatic tried entering the ballroom
Loaded up with a shotgun, handgun
And many knives
[pause]
This is far beyond the pale
Jimmy Kimmel should be immediately fired
[sample:NBC chimes, possibly, it is not clear]
[NARRATOR]: A despicable call to violence. The phrase he uses is "a despicable call to violence."
[sample:church bell, very far away]
[NARRATOR]: Two days later he responded to a different journalist. Also ABC.
[VOICE 2, cheerful]: Jonathan Karl, of ABC Fake News
Made a statement that I called him
The day after the assassination attempt
To ask whether or not
HE
Was OK
[sample:phone ringing once, then silence]
This was a hit on ME
Not HIM
And I didn't make such a call
Why would I do that
[NARRATOR]: This was a hit on me. Not him.
[sound effect:fifteen seconds of dial tone]
[NARRATOR]: From the press conference, the President on the Secretary of Defense.
[VOICE 1, flat:] Pete was there
Pete didn't want any help
He didn't want anybody to help
He doesn't want anybody to help him
But he did get some
[two seconds]
Didn't you
[sample:single dispirited party horn]
[NARRATOR]: The Secretary of Defense, on the night of an assassination attempt, did not want any help.
[sample:Casio WALTZ, one chord, held]
[VOICE 2, cheerful]: A very beautiful thing to see
[NARRATOR]: The first response was: let the show go on.
The second response was: build the ballroom.
The third response was: fire the comedian.
The fourth response was: I did not call ABC.
[sample:tape running out, spool flapping]
[VOICE 1, barely audible]: We're not going to let anybody take over our society
We can't cancel things out
[sample:Casio chord, one final time, unresolved]
[click]

4630/7500

[sample:hotel hold music, looped] [sample:Casio WALTZ preset, one chord held] [sound effect:tape hiss] [NARRATOR, deadpan]: The following statements were made by an elected official between April 25th and April 28th, 2026. No words have been added. The pauses are ours. [sample:canned ballroom applause, cut short] [VOICE 1, flat:] Quite an evening in D.C. Secret Service did a fantastic job The shooter has been apprehended [Casio chord] [VOICE 2, cheerful]: And I have recommended that we [pause] LET THE SHOW GO ON [sample:dinner bell, distant] [NARRATOR]: This was posted at 9:17 p.m. The shooter had been on the ground forty-one minutes. [VOICE 1, flat:] Law Enforcement has requested that we leave [pause] Immediately [sample:hotel elevator ding] The First Lady, plus the Vice President And all Cabinet members Are in perfect condition [sample:microwave finishing beep] [NARRATOR]: A press conference followed. The President was still wearing his tuxedo. [VOICE 2, cheerful]: This was an event dedicated to freedom of speech And in a certain way it did Because they just unified I saw a room totally unified [two seconds] A very beautiful thing to see [Casio chord, detuned] [NARRATOR]: The man had a shotgun. A handgun. Multiple knives. [VOICE 1, flat:] A very beautiful thing to see [seven seconds of nothing] [sample:tape flip] [sample:construction site, jackhammer, does not stop] [NARRATOR]: Eleven hours had elapsed. [VOICE 2, cheerful]: What happened last night is exactly the reason That every President for the last 150 years [pause] Have been DEMANDING [sample:gavel] That a Ballroom be built ON THE GROUNDS OF THE WHITE HOUSE [NARRATOR]: One hundred and fifty years. [VOICE 1, flat:] One hundred and fifty years. [NARRATOR]: McKinley. Roosevelt. Wilson. Kennedy. Reagan. Each, we are told, demanding a ballroom. [VOICE 2, cheerful]: This event would never have happened With the Militarily Top Secret Ballroom [pause] It cannot be built fast enough [sample:cash register opening, four seconds] [VOICE 1, flat:] Nothing should be allowed to interfere With with its construction [NARRATOR]: With with. The word "with" appears twice. A typographical error. Nobody corrected it. [VOICE 2, cheerful]: It's drone proof It's bulletproof glass We need the ballroom [Casio chord] We need levels of security That nobody's ever seen before [NARRATOR]: The man did not enter the ballroom. He was stopped at a magnetometer. The magnetometer was being disassembled. [sample:metal equipment being packed away] [VOICE 1, flat:] A very beautiful thing to see [Casio chord, repeated, increasingly detuned] [sample:tape flip] [sample:ABC News theme, interrupted] [sound effect:remote clicking channels] [NARRATOR]: Two days before the shooting, a comedian made a joke. [VOICE 2, cheerful]: Like an expectant widow [sample:canned 1970s laugh track] [NARRATOR]: On Monday the President responded. [VOICE 1, flat:] Wow, Jimmy Kimmel Who is in no way funny A day later A lunatic tried entering the ballroom Loaded up with a shotgun, handgun And many knives [pause] This is far beyond the pale Jimmy Kimmel should be immediately fired [sample:NBC chimes, possibly, it is not clear] [NARRATOR]: A despicable call to violence. The phrase he uses is "a despicable call to violence." [sample:church bell, very far away] [NARRATOR]: Two days later he responded to a different journalist. Also ABC. [VOICE 2, cheerful]: Jonathan Karl, of ABC Fake News Made a statement that I called him The day after the assassination attempt To ask whether or not HE Was OK [sample:phone ringing once, then silence] This was a hit on ME Not HIM And I didn't make such a call Why would I do that [NARRATOR]: This was a hit on me. Not him. [sound effect:fifteen seconds of dial tone] [NARRATOR]: From the press conference, the President on the Secretary of Defense. [VOICE 1, flat:] Pete was there Pete didn't want any help He didn't want anybody to help He doesn't want anybody to help him But he did get some [two seconds] Didn't you [sample:single dispirited party horn] [NARRATOR]: The Secretary of Defense, on the night of an assassination attempt, did not want any help. [sample:Casio WALTZ, one chord, held] [VOICE 2, cheerful]: A very beautiful thing to see [NARRATOR]: The first response was: let the show go on. The second response was: build the ballroom. The third response was: fire the comedian. The fourth response was: I did not call ABC. [sample:tape running out, spool flapping] [VOICE 1, barely audible]: We're not going to let anybody take over our society We can't cancel things out [sample:Casio chord, one final time, unresolved] [click]

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