[Intro – spoken] May I have your attention, please? May I have your attention, please? Will the real Malfoid please stand up? I repeat— Will the real Malfoid please stand up? …Why are there twelve of you?! [Verse 1] Walk in the Great Hall, everybody turns, Platinum hair shining while the candlelight burns, Green on the robe and a smirk on her face, Like she personally owns every inch of the place. One by the dungeon, one out by the stairs, One fixing her tie like she hasn’t got cares, Professor looks twice, nearly drops his cup— “Which one is Malfoid? Somebody stand up!” Got a wand in her hand and an attitude loaded, House points mysteriously getting promoted, Slytherins yelling, Gryffindors confused, Half of the castle has officially accused— “Wait, didn’t I see her five minutes ago?” “No, that one had curls!” “Well, how should I know?!” Polyjuice bubbling, whole school mixed up, So will the real Malfoid PLEASE stand up?! [Hook] Will the real Malfoid please stand up? Please stand up! Please stand up! There’s a blonde in every hallway, what the heck is up?! Will the real Malfoid please stand up? Green tie, black robe, everybody line up, If you’ve got that Malfoid smirk, put your wand up! One, two, three—wait, there’s twenty in the club?! Will the real Malfoid please stand up? [Verse 2] She’s got that “my father’s gonna hear of this” stare, Like detention is something for peasants to bear, Walks past Potter like, “Please, what a mess,” Then loses ten points for excessive sassiness. Snape says, “Excellent.” McGonagall groans, Filch found another blonde stealing his cones, Peeves in the ceiling going, “Malfoid parade!” While somebody’s brewing another masquerade. Got one in the library reading dark spells, One by the lake making first-years yell, One at Quidditch saying, “That broom is cheap,” One in the common room half asleep. Then the doors fly open—everybody shuts up, Another Malfoid enters with her chin held up, The whole room freezes like, “Okay…what?” HOW MANY MALFOIDS HAVE WE ACTUALLY GOT?! [Hook] Will the real Malfoid please stand up? Please stand up! Please stand up! There’s a blonde in every hallway, what the heck is up?! Will the real Malfoid please stand up? Green tie, black robe, everybody line up, If you’ve got that Malfoid smirk, put your wand up! One, two, three—wait, there’s twenty in the club?! Will the real Malfoid please stand up? [Bridge – spoken / escalating chaos] Professor: “Malfoid?” All of them: “Present.” Professor: “…Malfoid?” ALL: “PRESENT!” Professor: “Oh, for Merlin’s sake…” [Verse 3] Now the Sorting Hat’s begging for early retirement, Dumbledore’s checking the school enrollment requirement, “Surely,” he says, “there can only be one.” Then seventeen Malfoids walk in just for fun. They’re smug in the courtyard, smug in the class, Smug when they’re winning, smug when they pass, Smug when a Weasley says something too loud, One eyebrow raised while insulting the crowd. But underneath all that arrogant flair, There’s ambition, nerve, and a dangerous stare, Quick with the wand and quicker with jokes, Turning Hogwarts into magical smoke. So forget all the rumors, the copies, the fuss, Every blonde in the castle keeps claiming it’s us, But when somebody asks who’s running this stuff— The ORIGINAL Malfoid better stand up! [Final Hook] Will the real Malfoid please stand up? Please stand up! Please stand up! Everybody dressed in green better straighten up! Will the real Malfoid please stand up? Wands high! House pride! Let the whole school erupt! Dungeon doors shaking when the bass turns up! Hogwarts wants answers and we’ve had enough— WILL THE REAL MALFOID PLEASE STAND UP?! [Outro] …They all stood up. Oh, come on.
