[Intro – bright dirty guitar riff, fast drums] [Female vocal – conversational British delivery] Congratulations! Your free trial has ended. [Pause] My fucking what? [Band kicks in] [Verse 1 – fast playful punk vocals] Music wants eleven quid, Films want twelve, Cloud wants money to remember myself. Phone needs storage, printer needs ink, Some fucking app wants four pounds just to think. Used to buy a thing, then the thing was mine. Apparently we decided that was bad design. Now everything I own sends an email every week: “Your payment was declined.” [Female vocal] Good. Stay declined. [Pre-Chorus – building] Subscribe! Upgrade! Premium plan! Unlock all the features you already fucking had! Monthly! Yearly! Cancel anytime! [Shouted] AFTER FOURTEEN MENUS AND A FUCKING CAPTCHA! [Chorus – big catchy punk vocal] Free trial! Everything's a free trial! First month's lovely, then they fucking bill you! Free trial! Life's a fucking free trial! Enjoy your basic features while they're still available to you! I don't want Premium! I don't want Plus! [Shouted] I JUST WANT THE FUCKING THING I ALREADY BOUGHT! [Instrumental – bouncy distorted guitar riff] [Verse 2 – quick sarcastic delivery] Car wants software. Doorbell wants cloud. Fridge has an account now. Why? Don't know how. Coffee machine says “Create your profile.” It's boiling fucking water. Let's calm down a while. Dating app premium. News behind a wall. Want to read three paragraphs? That'll cost you all. Toothbrush has Bluetooth. [Band stop] [Female vocal] No. Absolutely not. My teeth do not need a fucking login. [Band resumes] [Fast Shout-Punk] PAY TO REMOVE ADS! PAY TO SKIP QUEUES! PAY FOR THE COLOUR THAT YOU'D ACTUALLY CHOOSE! PAY FOR BACKUPS! PAY FOR SPEED! PAY AN EXTRA FIVE A MONTH FOR SHIT YOU DON'T FUCKING NEED! [Chorus – louder] Free trial! Everything's a free trial! First month's lovely, then they fucking bill you! Free trial! Life's a fucking free trial! Enjoy your basic features while they're still available to you! I don't want Premium! I don't want Pro! [Harsh shout] STOP ADDING FUCKING TIERS AND LET ME GO! [Instrumental Break – driving bass, punchy drums, playful guitar lead] [Bridge – instruments pull back] [Female vocal – reading] “Your adulthood free trial has now expired. To continue accessing: energy, disposable income, a functioning lower back, and optimism... please select a plan.” [Pause] Basic? [Female vocal] Includes work and lower-back pain. Premium? Includes work, lower-back pain... and one holiday a year. [Long pause] What's the free version? [Pause] Oh. [Female vocal] Death. Bit aggressive. [Band crashes back] [Final Verse – rapid playful shout-singing] SUBSCRIBE TO SLEEP! SUBSCRIBE TO FOOD! SUBSCRIBE TO HAVING A REASONABLE MOOD! SUBSCRIBE TO AIR! SUBSCRIBE TO SUN! [Female vocal] First three breaths completely free for everyone! Want another? Choose a tier! Cancel whenever— [Shouted] GOOD FUCKING LUCK GETTING OUT OF HERE! Thirty-day notice! Password reset! Retention department hasn't finished with you yet! [Final Chorus – huge melodic punk vocals] Free trial! Everything's a free trial! Had a lovely month, now apparently they own you! Free trial! Life's a fucking free trial! Basic human functions sold separately to you! Keep your Premium! Keep your Plus! Keep your fucking loyalty points— [Shouted] I'VE HAD ENOUGH! [Final guitar hit] [Female vocal – dry] Would you like to leave feedback? [Pause] Oh, absolutely.
